My bad

All I've done blog wise this week, is come on here once, bitch about random topics and then leave you all again. Sorry! I have been otherwise occupied with writing a book. No, I'm serious. I don't know that I would call it a book. Perhaps a long short story or a novella, which is a short novel. Right now, it's twelve regular typing sheets of paper long. To me, that's a lot of fucking writing. I printed it out last night and looking at it I need to elaborate more on my first two "chapters". I've found my last couple of chapters are longer and more descriptive.
Its a mystery/comedy, think Janet Evanovich style. It doesn't have a title and the characters are loosely, extremely loosely in some instances, based on people I know. Watch out, you just might end up with an alter ego in my book :) It's been fun and a nice distraction from everyday life, although, I need to probably do some "real work" at the office instead of fiction. I also need to find my flash drive so I can continue to write at home on my lap top. It would save me from the 8 p.m. munchies. Honestly, I go through every day wonderfully and 100% on plan, then 8 p.m. rolls around and its all I can do to avoid diving head first into a bag of Sun Chips.
I'm planning another active weekend. I'm heading to the WEllness Walk for an hour tomorrow morning then golfing tomorrow night, albeit its Glow Ball and it will probably be a drunken, sloppy mess, but we will attempt it nonetheless, and at least sloppy drinking while trying to be active is better than sloppy drinking while sitting on your ass, face down in Sun Chips. :) Peace out dudes!

Ranting

of the random nature...
Just felt like spewing alot of randomness today....
Two mile walk on Saturday felt good, thank you Coach K for "holding my hand" yeah I didn't get all crazy and run or anything like that, getting out of bed after golfing Friday night was accomplishment enough.
Golfing Friday night fun times, good time had by all and golf game is gradually improving.
Golfed Sunday afternoon with the kidlets. Sad when you have to use your 7 year old's drive on no. 9 because you're a shankopotamous and the other two in your foursome sliced it onto the highway. (To give her some credit, she whacked it right down the middle of the fairway and it took a nice, healthy bounce, or two.)
Much love to Two Moms and a Hoe, loving the t-shirt, you can trim my bush anytime.
To you young, or in some cases, not so young,  chippies who think its cool to take nudie shots on your phone and then text them to your boyfriend, do you not realize that the picture you took last night is now halfway across the nation because your boyfriend undoubtedly forwarded it to all of his buddies? Just waiting for the day that it gets back to your father, because yes, he too gets texts with boobies on them, on occasion. On a similar note, a forward of said boobies when they are anonymous (meaning you can tell its a still from a "paid" entertainer is one thing, seeing a forward of someone's boobies whom you might later see at the store is fucking gross...I'm just sayin.
Hoping that this is purely rumor, seeing as how life is like a game of telephone, but if there are insurance companies out there refusing to pay for the Missouri River flooding because they say it was caused by an act of man (Army Corps of Engineers not releasing water) may you rot in hell. NO, may the crabs of a 1,000 whores infest your crotch and may your arms be too short to scratch it.
It would be really nice if it stopped fucking raining....
Am I the only one who gets annoyed by the fact that JFK pretty much gets a free pass for fucking around on Jacque, IN the Whitehouse? Yeah, AHHH-nold is a poor excuse for a husband, but I'm sorry, didn't Maria's uncle do the same damn thing and yet no one says a word? (It's because he's dead isn't it?)
I kind of gotta agree with Roger Ebert. You tweet a photo of yourself drinking and partying it up and hours later die in a firey highspeed car crash, killing someone else in the process...hmmm....it's one of those things I will never understand about celebrities who get busted for OWI or who get in drunken car wrecks YOU OF ALL PEOPLE can afford to call a cab or HIRE a DRIVER! Not that we all haven't done stupid things while drinking, but really. (Oh and sorry Bam Magera, not sure that I buy that there are MILLIONS of people in mourning..yeah there are a bunch of us saying, "gee that's a shame" but had I not read that Ryan Dunn was "one of the dudes from Jackass", I'd have never known who he was...and the only reason I know who you are Mr. Magera is because you have your own show and your name is in the title.)
I am addicted to Mob Wives on VH-1. I want to punch Drita in the face every time she opens her mouth because I seriously don't think she's that tough and I think Carla is an idiot, but it's like the people watching show on the grand concourse at the state fair,  I can't quit looking. Renee reminds me a little of my friend Trudy...
I have been on TSFL for over a year now. It was one year on June 1. I'm really annoyed at myself that I have not met goal nor been on transition and maintenance. AM I smaller than I was a year ago, yes and that makes me happy. Am I smaller than I was six months ago. NO and that pisses me off. I have all of the tools in front of me and I know how to make this work, the fact that I am not, really is stupid. Its like trying to build your deck using a pliers as your hammer when your hammer is sitting in the tool box. You think, "Yeah, this probably isn't going to work, but eh, whatever, it will eventually get this nail in."
The good news, weigh in is down three pounds...84,000 left to go.

Contradiction in term

Is what I am. Either that or the complete definition of irony. For example. Last night, I was in the bathroom at a restaurant. The toilet paper roll is empty. There is a roll of toilet paper that's probably 1/2 gone sitting on the lid of the toilet, meaning that numerous people have used that roll of paper. I was instantly annoyed and I took the spring loaded TP thingy off the holder and replaced it! It's that easy people! However, I am notorious for not doing the same at home. We have one of those holders that stands beside the throne, you have to unscrew the one end to put a new roll on and sometimes (2 a.m. when I wake up having to get rid of 120 oz. of water) its too much to unscrew the thingy so I just set it on top of the holder.
I could give you numerous examples...that's just how I am, I guess. Take me or leave me.
Yesterday I got my hair done..always makes a girl feel good, especially when it involves getting rid of her nasty ass Alabama hooker roots. Ra-ra wants to chop it all off. Another one of those "Just can't do it Captain" things. I did it once. I did Lock of Love, it was a good cause, it grew back rather quickly, but I am a long hair girl. I adore my ponytails when I am in a hurry. I think part of it is that before i started kindergarten my mom chopped all of my hair off. Like mega short. I think it gave me a complex that still exists today. That and the fact that I have a fat, round face and once read somewhere that long hair makes your face look longer. I did let her take about three inches off. It was a compromise.
I got new contacts yesterday. It's like a whole new world out there....(it was a massive for fuck around, thanks to the Wal-Mart vision Center). IF A. My prescription didn't run out in two days and B. I was not on my last pair, which had been in WAAAAY longer than the 2 weeks you are supposed to wear them, I would have said fuck it and ordered them online, like I have been doing. But, I didn't want to have to wait a week for them to come in. Seriously, one more bad Wal-Mart experience and I may start protesting....What really pissed me off was it took like 35 minutes and so there for I was running behind and I was pissed off and wanting to just get the fuck out of dodge, and I neglected to stop at Hy-Vee for PB2. Bastard Wal-mart anyway...
I avoided the massive best burger in Iowa, but only because we didn't get to the Duck, we went to Prime Time. Ordered food i shouldn't have, but left nearly all of it, but the meat, so there was some sort of victory there. I don't know why I can't just completely wrap my head around this this time. But again, I keep trying....and I will keep trying...until my skinny jeans stop talking to me.
Golfing with Drew tonight, 2 mile run/walk tomorrow, working tomorrow night, perhaps more golf Sunday...so I am staying active. Golfing with Drew versus Trudy is safer. (Love ya Trud and its a damn good time, but I doubt Drew and I will share a six pack on the first 9 and a 12 pack on the second.)

Ass maggotss and funky livers (a little graphic today)

This has been my weekend, thankfully, the ass maggots and funky liver are not mine, just periphery issues that have been floating through my life. Let's see, where have I been and what have I been up to since we last chit-chatted???? Ah-yes....
First 18 holes of golf for the year=epic failure. Well, okay, maybe not epic, but I sure remember being much better at it 16 years ago. I am pretty decent with a 4-wood and a 5-iron. I can usually pitch like a mo-fo, but beyond that I suck...hard. Three margaritas and a 6-pack did not improve my game. It did improve my mood and the fun level, though! (And I did feel as though I was about to be attacked my a peacock every time I turned around, that could have had some bearing on my horrible driving.)
Thursday=hangover and a whole lotta nothing.
Friday= MIL taken to Mercy for funky liver happenings. (For some reason every time I type the word funky I start singing Funky-Col-Medina in my head) Spent the day with the nieces and nephew, Big D and I were like drill sergeants at day camp. It went well, they nearly ate me out of house and home. I put a pork roast and some cheesy potatoes in my two crock pots for them to eat for supper, as I was moonlighting that night and there was not a bite left. I honestly think they licked the potato pot.
Saturday-We camped out in tents....we had a double wide. Yes, our tent had two rooms. We narrowly avoided marriage counseling setting the tent up and it only took us three beers each. One bottle of crown royal (Big D) a six pack of Jeremiah Weed (me) and a few Vegas bombs later, sleeping on the ground wasn't so bad! However, at 4:30 a.m. when the first little drops of rain began to fall, we realized that our "double-wide" while having two rooms, had no roof. It was all screen. (The extra piece of canvasy crap and the extra ties that we both asked, "What the fuck are these for?" began to make sense.) In our booze soaked haze we just pulled the blankets over our heads and went back to sleep. At some point the blanket came off of my face. (Probably because I can't sleep with anything on my face as I have some mild claustrophobia issues) The rain continued to fall intermittently and when I woke up for good and went in the house, my mascara had run like little black rivers all down my face making me look a little like Gene Simmons after a Kiss concert. Yes kids, there is a reason we don't "tent"...we have 32 foot travel trailer that has a roof..... Oh and there is no need for a mechanical engineering degree when putting our camper away. We do not need to strategically fold it into an Origami like shape in order to shove it into a bag that is six sizes smaller than the tent. We just back the fucker into the machine shed and push the button on the automatic jack. (Seriously, is there anyone on this planet that can get a tent back into its bag correctly? If you exist I will hire you to do it for me.)
Now what else? Ah yes, ass maggots. My darling sister-in law's precious pooch Jackson is... how do I put this gently? Morbidly obese in human terms. He's a corgi. I have a corgi as well. Miley, (my corgi) on a good day, after having just devoured the carcass of a deer, MIGHT weigh 20 pounds. I mean she stands a whole 3 inches off the ground. I am not lying when I say Jackson probably weighs 80 pounds. Yes, we've tried diet and exercise programs, and now that he lives on the farm, he's a bit more active, but he's been on puppy Prozac for his nerve issues and he's just. well.....Jackson. Turns out even though we THINK he's been a little more active..He's been too lazy to actually get up and crap, therefore, ass maggots were discovered in his massive dingleberry. While you all are gagging at this story, I am laughing my ass off because I am picturing my, 'almost went to vet school-animals dying is a way of life- yes dear that is a pile of shit, try not to step in it with your high heels-what do you mean your dog is on Prozac?-' younger brother trying to solve this problem for his wife. To wrap the story up..maggots are gone but my "nephew dog" has a shaved ass....it made me laugh this morning. (I'm picturing the little tub-o-lard running around the farm with a shaved ass..I can't help but picture one of those red ass monkeys)
MIL is home from the hospital doing fine, but still no real answer as to what her diagnosis is...they "think" it was a medication reaction...but test results are still to come, I guess. She's weak and tired, but her vitals are all strong and we're not asking her to run a marathon, so she can just rest and recoup.
My parents celebrate their 45th wedding anniversary this week. I wanted to put their picture in the paper and have a little card shower. Mom refused. She said, 'It's just 45 years, its not a big deal.' Ummm when the average length of a marriage in the U.S. is what 5 years? I would say 45 is kind of a big deal. We are celebrating with an all grown-ups meal out, starting with cocktails on my brothers new deck. (At least that's what our social coordinator (who also happens to be the dog ass shaver) is telling us.) I added the cocktails on his new deck part, since he's hiring my child to watch the youngin's....I think he wants to have a peaceful dinner that does not include wrestling his 2-year old and eating 'Hot balls" at "The hot ball barn"... (My nephew Clay calls cheese balls hot balls and calls Darrells Place the hot ball barn.) We are going to the Rusty Duck for our meal. It is home to the best burger in the state of Iowa. I have had this burger. It will take everything I have to resist ordering it. I wonder if getting drunk before dinner would be less calorically damaging?
Now--food and diet wise...bleh....lots of booze, I did eat the purple cauliflower. it was good, although I am suspicious that the purple is just dye, as it makes the water purple when you cook it. I tried the pre-cooked tyson chicken fajitas...ewww...too many pieces of "funky fatish gristle" shit. I literally threw up in my mouth and threw it out to the dogs. I cannot handle any part of chicken thats not the 100% middle of the breast, nice, pulls apart almost stringy breast piece. Just can't do it Captain. So I ended up having a spoon full of peanut butter and a piece of string cheese as my protein last night.
Today and tomorrow I am on a "liquid" detox. Shakes and tomato soup only. They are the lower calorie options and I need to flush the bad shit out. (Kind of like that scene in Dumb and Dumber where Jim Carey thinks he's doing the Heimlich maneuver by pushing the guys legs up and down saying "Out with the bad, in with the good...")
The good news right now is that salads no longer have that "oh God not another fucking salad" effect on my anymore, like they did for a time and even when I'm not perfect, I am doing much better at getting my vegetables in. Yes, for a while I was on anti-vegetable mode.
Weigh in this week was up 2 pounds, deservedly so...I am not perfect, never have claimed to be, but I keep trying and that my friends is all I can do! Peace out!

Like the new scenery?

It was time to mix things up a little.
Turkey zucchini burgers=awesome..made a little dill mayo to put on top of it, had a salad and some tomatoes, good stuff Maynerd.
Its been too fucking hot to do much exercise, to be frank. Yes, I know, I should get up early in the morning and walk. I should stop biting my fingernails, drinking coffee, shopping for crap I don't need and give up my addiction to watching Ghost Adventures, too, but I don't foresee any of the above happening. You see, no matter how much energy I have. I HATE MORNINGS! Seriously. I am not a morning person. I honestly could sleep until noon and have no hard feelings about it. I always have been that way. I love my sleep like most people love their children; some of you maybe more than. To me, the 6 a.m. alarm I have in place for driver's ed, is plenty fucking early. Now, it's not to say that once drivers ed is over I won't get up at that time and walk...that could happen, especially since Drew wants to start going to the weight room in the morning versus evening. I walk-he lifts, it's a good program, its what we did last summer. It's not working right now because he has to be at school at 7, meaning, I have one hour (okay roughly 35 minutes, when you count the snooze button I hit and the time it takes to drive to town) to get ready for work every morning. 
I do plan to golf this afternoon, so there is a little bit of exercise, yes it will be completely eliminated by the beer that will accompany it, but, alas, such is life.
Todays reason for losing weight: Cute tank tops, I see skinny people in cute tank tops and think, hmm if I didn't have bat wings and back fat, perhaps I could pull that off :)
Today's goal: Eat the purple cauliflower before it goes bad, you've been thinking about it, but just haven't done it. (Because you have to finish off the salad greens :)

Farmers Markets

are the best. Speaking of which, anyone know when the hell ours opens? I stopped at Exira's on Friday, sad that only one vendor was there (yes, I realize its early in the season but none the less, share your goods people!) The one vendor that was there was a good one though! He had some great mixed salad greens and fresh spinach. I got some homemade grape jelly for the kids, too. The only draw back, okay, two drawback, were...I didn't need the guy's life story and details on all of the products he had. (Dude I just want some fucking spinach.) Secondly, the bus full of rabid quilters who had descended upon the quilt shop that stopped at his stand and all paid in $20 so he was out of change. So, I went to the bar, who was also out of change...thank God one of the guys in the bar had change for me :)
Anyway, the greens and spinach were terrific. Can't wait until more fresh produce starts popping up for sale.
I bought the Morningstar Farms basil and tomato pizza burgers and am reminded that I love them dearly. I could eat them every day, mmmmm-mmmm good. Also bought the tyson chicken fajita stuff (the pre-cooked-kind, so we'll see how they are.) Tonight I'm making turkey burgers on the grill. Adding some shredded zucchini to keep them moist. I will have one with my greens and some tomatoes. Looking forward to it!
Weigh in-down 2 more pounds :)
Gee how many more to go?

Holy hill

Batman. I DID walk while Jaci was at dance last night. Hiked was more like it. I left the dance studio and immediately went up to the top of the hill to (forgive me, I've been away from Atlantic for too long) the top of Sunnyside Park, I think it was???Big ass honkin hill. I quickly went back down the hill, only to find myself trekking BACK up 14th? I think it was??? Took it to Birch, back over to 10th and back to the studio. Bottom line, my thighs and ass are killing me today. I felt like I needed a cane to walk to the bathroom when I got out of bed this morning. But that's a good thing! (all in all about 2 miles, less than 30 minutes)
Bummer, no PB2 at the Atl Hy-Vee. Another bummer, I thought I had grabbed kale to make more kale chips, only to discover that I had actually grabbed mustard greens. WTF does one do with mustard greens? If you have any ideas...throw 'em at me. All I can think of is sautee like you would fresh spinach. Something fun I did manage to grab was purple cauliflower. It's supposed to be a little sweeter, don't really care, I like cauliflower no matter what color it is, just thought purple would be fun!
I mentioned this next thing in my column for next week (yes, I KNOW I am an over achiever, as my deadline is like 5 days away!!!!) but someone shared with me an open letter written to the Governor of Michigan, from a superintendent who wants to change his high school into a prison. Think about what we spend annually on prisoners and what we spend annually on our students. I promise you, your panties will get in a wad. Prisoners at Oakdale Prison here in Iowa are living a $54,301 lifestyle....the state gives schools $5,280 (or something close to that) per student. To bring it closer to home. The people in our local jail, I don't call them prisoners, its not a prison its a jail...get to eat the daily special from the Food Pride deli everyday for lunch, dinner, and breakfast, too, I believe. I would like to be able to afford the daily special at Food Pride everyday, but I don't have that sort of funding. Yes, I know, they need to eat. You can get a loaf of bread for $1.29, a SQUEEZE bottle of mustard (no knife needed) for 99 cents and a package of bologna for $2 and you can make probably 10 sandwiches. There you go....Now if that were to happen there would be 87 lawyers screaming civil liberties. I'm sorry, when your social status went from citizen to criminal or prisoner, I think civil liberties get shitcanned too.
I thought when prisons were first created many, many, many moons ago it was to DETER people from committing crime. (For example in medieval times, we chained you to a wall and didn't feed you for a few days....I bet that sucked and I bet it would have made me think, "Wow that was a BAD idea." What does prison say now? I get all of my meals, healthcare, cable televsion, internet access, I can earn a college degree, I have a built in fitness center and all of my clothing is provided. And here's the best part....I don't have to pay a dime for it, someone else foots the bill. When I get out, I can't vote (but then again I never did in the first place) and it's a little hard to find a job, but that's okay, there are government hand-outs that give me enough money to buy cheeto's and Mt. Dew and I can dump bottles of water out on the curb and cash in the refund so I can buy my smokes and I'll get by. I'll have a couple more kids with baby mamas three and four (the tax payers will pay for that) and then get busted again so I can get cable tv again. I think there is very little in the current prison system that would DETER a criminal from committing another crime. Make them miserable! At least take their  cable and internet away, please?
Yeah, yeah, I know, I'm over-exaggerating a bit and generalizing a tad but when it comes right down to it; if we gave schools the money per student that we give prisons per prisoner, perhaps those schools would be better equipped to make sure some students don't turn into prisoners...
Goal for today/tonight/this weekend-No snacks..you don't NEED them. You're simply bored and wanting to munch, so let's no do that, k?
Reason for losing weight---smaller bras. (yes, boobs are a good thing--but smaller bras are nice too, they are cuter)