Tuna and lettuce

mmmm...I keep telling myself that the tuna and lettuce salad I ate last night was better than the pizza the rest of my family was noshing on. It was not Giordanos, it was from Lou Malnatis, the OTHER world famous Chicago pizzeria. My kitchen smelled fucking fantabulous. I cooked it before leaving for my appointment. I almost didn't mind that it was snowy and it took me almost twice as long to get to and from town because I did not want to face the pizza. When I got home I hid in the bedroom with my can of tuna and my lettuce salad. Again, I don't know that I was craving the food itself, just the experience of it. If the void had not spent $22 on it and wanted the leftovers for his lunch, I would have used the dish soap trick on it and thrown it away.
I am trying to keep up with a 20-25 minute routine on my elliptical at night Monday-Friday. I need to increase my intensity via faster speed or more resistance. The pace I go at now, while it increases my heart rate and makes me break a sweat only burns about 180-220 calories. I think I need to burn more than that.
Right now I am struggling mentally. I feel as though I am just going through the motions. I know I talked once before about normalcy. I know that eating a huge plate of pasta with salad and garlic bread and wine is not normal. Eating six small, balanced healthy meals is a good thing. But I want to get to the point in my life where I can enjoy a small piece of pizza with my family, with a side salad and not feel like I have to hide in bedroom with my chicken of the sea feeling like an outcast so I don't eat too much. I want to be able to have a glass of wine and a small slice of birthday cake at a birthday party and not sit in the corner and calculate how many empty calories and carbohydrates I just ingested.  I know that eventually I will get to that place and that sooner or later I will realize birthdays are still birthdays even without the cake and the wine and that I will feel "normal." I am starting that process. It's nice to walk into a store a feel normal and not like an outcast. It's nice to be able to wear normal sizes. I like that normal feeling. That's the normal I need to stay focused on. Besides, who cares if my normal isn't what someone else considers normal? My normal is all that matters.