Here's to a better 2011...

Not that I can truly complain about 2010. In looking back, I had a pretty damned good year. Lots of memories made and good times with friends. Annual trip to the Ozarks is always good. We made it to the State Fair for a few days with the kids. Went to Chicago and Cancun this fall/winter. I got a new (to me) car. We updated some of the appliances at the Christensen ranch...and I lost 56 pounds. (At one point...but enough about the gain, as it will come off again, and then some.)
When truly thinking about having a better 2011, I wonder how it could be better than my 2010? Here's how it can be better....I can get these last 20 or so (okay 30) pounds off and keep it off. I can actually stick with an exercise program. Program being every other day, at a minimum, for at least 45 minutes. I can get to my goal, get some sculpting done and go get our celebratory tattoos with the inner circle. (yes girls...we still need to do that.) I can go to Puerta Vallarta (I don't have a whole lot of control over that, that's on Big D's shoulders....) We can go back to Chicago.. (actually I think that's in the pipes already for June) I can go back to being blonde...well blonder than I am. I feel better blonde (er). One more thing I can do to make 2011 better...continue this blog...it keeps me sane and hopefully it brightens your day, on occasion.
Here's to a very happy, safe, secure, skinny and prosperous New Year to you all stalker friends! Love ya!

Epic

failure...that pretty much sums up what my December was. It started out fantastically and is ending dismally. I had a goal, I had a plan, i had a program that was working, I was in the zone. I had started this blog, i had won a challenge, I was making this my bitch. THEN, my booze laden binge started in Mexico and quite honestly, hasn't stopped. HAD I stayed 100% on plan since winning my challenge, I should have been at goal getting into my dreamy size 10's, hitting an all new low on the scale and could have/would have lost 12 more pounds, instead, I have gained about that much...that's a 24 pound swing. That is pathetic.
I have started back on plan, it's difficult, but after trying to put on a pair of jeans this morning that fit perfectly one month ago and now, lets just say, don't fit so perfectly, it will be worth it.
The size large shirts that I bought back in October and put in the "Christmas fund" thinking, gee these might even be a bit baggy, are not at all baggy...same with the tall black boots that were just a little tight on my huge ass calves. I bought them in October thinking these will no longer be tight in December..guess what...they are still tight..
New year coming time for new goals....
1) Get back to my Dec. 1 weight by Feb.1
2) Instead of trying to win the grand champion prize in the muffin top contest, get rid of some of the bulge.
3) Get back to the basics...for the first 6 weeks or so on plan I lived on chicken and shrimp fajitas...I love chicken and shrimp fajitas..Why am I not eating chicken and shrimp fajitas?
4) Put the fat jeans away for good.
5) Exercise daily
6) By Valentine's Day, I want to be rocking a pair of size 10's.
7) By St. Patrick's Day I want to be in transition.
Rewards
1) When I hit #1, I will buy some salon time
2) When I hit #6 I will purchase the coveted size 10's and I will pay full price for them.
3) When I hit #7 I will do it correctly. I will be the skinny bitch.
Tip:
If you are one of those people who cannot leave the peanut butter alone, buy the little JIF to go packs. They are portion controlled and if you eat the whole little container, oh well...its one serving. I cannot be trusted with a spoon and a jar of JIF, the little to go packs are a life saver...

And now for some more

Since I decided to start off my day with a bitchy rant about what's bugging me, I'll continue.
I think I half ass understand MTV's reasoning behind shows like Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant. They want to show girls the reality of teen pregnancy, and how its not easy, but in reality, what they're doing is GLAMORIZING it...the "stars" of these shows are all over magazine covers, on the nightly entertainment shows and are on the front page of every msn/aol and yahoo home page. So when 16 year old Peggy Sue finds her self pregnant she doesn't think, "this shouldn't happen. I can't handle this. Let's give the baby up for adoption." She thinks, "Boo-ya! I'm gonna be on TV and I'm going to be famous!" I don't care if its a ratings win MTV, enough...there is nothing glamorous about being knocked up at 16, so stop making young girls think its cool. (For that matter, there is really nothing glamorous about being knocked up at 34, either...pregnant and glamor do not belong in the same sentence.)
FOR THE RECORD...I am neither 34 nor knocked up, for any of you trying to draw conclusions from that last statement.
For you Hawkeye fans who made fun of us Cyclone fans when WE made the Insight Bowl...a bowl win is still a bowl win, right??? Oh and did you hear the one where Iowa City is going to an all dirt field so the players can't smoke the grass or snort the lines? (Hee hee hee...FOR THE RECORD, I attended a Hawkeye Bowl party and I even wore a hawkeye sweatshirt, so don't be a hater because I'm pointing out the obvious and poking fun.) Having to wear such foreign attire is probably the cause of today's bitchiness. (I'm certain its the cause of the strange rash that has appeared)
Dear maker of childrens' toys..for the love of all things holy do you really need to not only sew the Taylor Swift singing doll to her box, but also put three different zip ties on her various body parts and then attach two small plastic thingys with screws? FOR FUCK SAKES DUDE its a DOLL not a nuclear war head!!!! I propose that all toys in which tools are required to just get them out of the Godforsaken box, come with said tools. It's like the whole put your own furniture thing together. If it needs and Allen wrench, it should come with an Allen wrench.
Whew....I'm starting to fell better...as you were....

Ranting

Pardon me for going off topic today, but you know what? It's my blog...I can write about whatever I want to write about...and off topic being not related to "lifestyle change." Its one of those days where I need to stop thinking about it/obsessing about it and just "live" it.
Off topic bitch number one...I'm sorry honey, but if you come home drunk/tipsy and I don't automatically offer you a wild 'roll in the hay', it doesn't mean that I am being a bitch, or that I am mean. I apologize, if 'Come here and hop on,' doesn't make me swoon....
Off topic bitch number two...I really cannot stand people who think EVERYONE else in the world hangs on their every move, every word, every action, every reaction. Let me tell you this sweetie, my world does not revolve around you, in fact, I hardly know you, so why, pray tell, do you think you need to question/or explain anything and everything you've done/said or heard in the last two years? This is not junior high and we are not in Genoa City, so stop acting like you're 13 and get out of the Young and the Restless....you have absolutely no impact on my life other than to annoy the holy hell out of me, today. I really cannot think of much that interests me less than you and your sex life.
Off topic bitch number three...because (see bitch number one) I am evidently a really mean, cold, bitch, I laid as far over on my side of the bed as I could and refused to move all night, thus my left shoulder/side of my back is killing me....knife wrenching pain....and I have no ibuprofen in my purse because someone, who shall remain nameless (MY HUSBAND) took it out of my purse.
Off topic bitch number four...my house is an absolute disaster, it still looks like Santa's elves threw up and the rest of my family seems completely unaware of it. They sit there in their own little pig stys, dropping candy wrappers on the floor, leaving soda bottles on the coffee table and dropping their dirty socks and wet towels wherever they feel like it. And I have not had time to do much about it, other than to sweep my kitchen floor, wipe down the counters and wash the dishes. I threatened both of my offspring before leaving the house this morning and if nothing has improved by the time I get home, I have absolutely no qualms about destroying some of their new found Christmas treasures.
(I thought day number three of "induction" (meaning starting over on plan) was supposed to be the crabby, bitchy, brutal day? Hmmm...guess my family is in for a real treat the next 48 hours!!!!)
Here's hoping my mood improves and I stop bitching...soon..even I am getting tired of my attitude!

Day one: Part Deaux

That's it! I'm done, I don't care if it's Dec. 28 or Jan.1. Today is the day, I start over. I'm sick of myself, my fat pants are getting tight. I had gotten to the point where I could throw all of my jeans in the dryer and not worry about it, last night, I laid them out to dry. WHY? WHY I SAY???? Why do I let myself fall back into old habits so easily? I guess because it is easy. It's easy to grab whatever is at hand and stuff it in your face. It's easy to sit on the couch and veg instead of working out. It's easy to go buy bigger pants instead of working at getting back into the smaller ones. (thank God I haven't done that yet.) It's easier to order pizza than it is to cook a healthy, balanced meal.
Here's the thing...I don't want to be easy anymore. I want to get my energy level back instead of sleeping for 12 hours and feeling like I could sleep some more. I want this marshmallowey feeling to go away. I want to crave vegetables again and not bread, pasta and crackers.
New Year's plans or not, (which at this point is an invitation for an early dinner and drinks, which we haven't decided whether or not to do) I don't care, today is my day one again. I had a mocha shake for breakfast, I have oatmeal 'brewing' (which means softening) I have chili in the fridge and I have chili cheese puffs for a snack, or a brownie, depending on what I feel like. I have blue hake in the freezer which I will cook on my new little George. (I've had a George for a few years, but it's ginormous. I wanted one that I could fix my little piece of fish or chicken breast on, not one that I could grill a side of beef on, which was approximately the size of my old one.) I have a bag of broccoli steamers in the freezer. I have a plan.....If you fail to plan, you plan to fail....I will say a prayer over the wine I pour down the drain later tonight..(this I might not do...I may put it in an ice cube tray and freeze it for future sangria, it seems much less wasteful). I WILL say a prayer over the cookies and candies that are going directly into the burn barrel. I won't let me get me....

In my head

holiday means "excuse to eat/drink whatever you want." It makes me wonder whose bright idea it was to make all holiday gatherings revolve around food. Take my mother's house, for example...we had and I am NOT exaggerating here, EIGHT different dips and or cracker spreads, summer sausage and cheese, pickled herring, a relish tray, 3 different kinds of snack/chex mix, oreo balls, peanut butter balls, homemade caramels, three different kinds of cookies and eight different kinds of wine. There were only 11 of us there and three of us, are children. AND that was before dinner and desert...I am going to be brutally honest here, I didn't even look at the relish tray. I drank two bottles of wine, by myself. I had two dinner rolls. Even our "vegetable" was a carb, as mom made corn. Did I stop eating and pull my head out of the cracker box after that? Hell no...that night, we snacked on left over "snacky stuff" from mom's for supper. THEN on Sunday, we had dinner at my mother in law's. Turkey, stuffing, potatoes, rolls, and yes, mint brownies and 4 layer desert....for supper last night, popcorn and m&m's....Today, my hair is greasy, my jeans are tight, I have a headache and I'm for lack of a better word..."puffy" in fact, I feel like the Michelin man.
There is absolutely NO reason why I cannot make today my new "day 1" other than the fact that half of my brain is saying, "Nope, you said Jan. 1 you were going to start over on Jan. 1, not Dec, 27, so Jan. 1 it is, eat that remaining cracker and dip combo and drink the rest of that wine and do like 90% of the rest of the general public and start fresh on Jan. 1."
Its not like we've even planned anything for New Year's Eve, in fact, we don't typically go out because there are too many cops hanging around, but on the off chance we might go somewhere and do something, I don't want to be restricted....meanwhile, I'm sitting here restricted because my clothes are tight and I feel like shit....such is my inner battle, the battle I always have....my head knows what it's supposed to eat...I KNOW how to do this...I just wish my head would tell the rest of me to follow suit...

Things I'm not used

to hearing... "If you keep it up, you're going to waste away." "I almost didn't recognize you." "Where did the other half of you go?" "Seriously, you're like a twig." "Hey there Skinny Mini," These are all things that I have heard in the last week.
Ummmmm, no I won't waste away, my skinny jeans are cutting into the muffin top I still have and are to the point of needing to go back in the drawer for a few weeks. (I continue to wear the skinny jeans in hopes that I will put the cookie down and back away from the table)
Ummmmm, pretty sure I actually LOOK the same, just two less chins and a different shade of blonde. (However, I look in the mirror and still see two extra chins, so I am POSITIVE, I look the same.)
Ummm....I have not lost half of me. IF I were to lose half of me (which quite honestly, half of my starting weight is within my "healthy weight range") my mother would want to hospitalize me and people would be forcing me to ingest Cheez Whiz via I.V. While consciously I know I have lost a good amount of weight...there are days I struggle to see that I have lost an ounce.)
Ummmm...twig and Jill never belong in the same sentence, UNLESS the sentences are "I bought this at Twigs," or "If I sat on you I would snap you like a twig." or "Mess with my children and I will snap you like a twig." or "I need another twig to get this campfire lit." (I think when people use twig to describe my weight loss, its that yes, my legs look a lot skinnier than they used to be...I still have the above referenced muffin top, I still have underarm fat that jiggles, I still have "backfat" that could probably be measured like a side of pork and I still have an ass that jiggles when I attempt to run.)
Ummm...Skinny Mini, nope...not me at all. I wear a double digit pant size, I am still not comfortable admitting to anyone, other than my coach, my husband and my mother what I actually do weigh, I do not enjoy exercise, I do not eat like a skinny person when given free reign over a menu. I am not a skinny mini. While the reference is somewhat flattering, skinny minis wear single digit sizes, do not have a gut that hangs over the top of their jeans, have no trouble telling people what they weigh, enjoy some sort of exercise, at least every other day and eat like a skinny person, faithfully ordering a vegetable, a lean meat and skipping the bread basket...SO NOT ME....(in fact up until the last few pounds lost, I hadn't even told my husband what I weighed.)
These phrases are flattering and I hope some day I get used to them, but dieting/changing your lifestyle and battling with yourself over what to or not to eat or when to exercise is such a mind fucking that I think it may take me longer to adapt to a new way of thinking than it will take to adapt to exercise or skipping the bread.

Christmas wishes

I heard this yesterday and it's something I think about a lot and would truly like it to be my Christmas miracle..."I just want to be able to eat what I want and still be skinny." That is my Christmas wish, my Christmas miracle. And honestly, who doesn't want that? My son must have a metabolism that runs two million miles and hour. I kid you not the child can eat every 10 minutes and is still a twig. On Thanksgiving he ate two HUGE plates of food, started in on a slice of cake the size of my head, stopped halfway through the cake to stretch, finished the cake and 20 minutes later was back in the kitchen warming up dinner rolls. His pant size a 29/34...there is seriously not an ounce of fat on the child. (I am looking forward to high school wrestling next year, not to watch him wrestle, but to see what his body fat test is, cause it has to be in the single digits.) I am jealous, but, again I remember that he A. is a 14 year old boy, I am a 33 year old mother of two. B. He religiously wakes his parents up every morning to take him to weight lifting, I religiously tell myself to work out more. C. He has some sort of sporting activity every week day, all school year long, football practice, wrestling practice, track, weight room. I walk to my vehicle every day...He can eat what he wants when he wants and still be skinny because he has earned it. This is not to say that his genes will catch up with him some day, look to your right at the pictures, genetically, he's not meant to be a "tall/scrawny." This is also not to say that he won't be mindful of what he puts into his body and what he expects to get out of it. I can already see the seeds of a "healthy lifestyle" implanted in him, as he will go for a run, on occasion, just because. Or reach for the milk, because he hasn't had any today and needs some calcium.
He gets to eat what he wants and stay skinny because that is how his body works...that is not how my body works. If I eat what I want and not what I should, my skinny jeans get tight, my face looks puffy, I get headaches, I don't sleep worth a damn and I end up stopping at Casey's and staring at the breakfast pizza instead of just grabbing my coffee and getting the hell out of there. So while my Christmas Miracle or Christmas wish is to eat what I want and still be skinny, my true Christmas wish is to just pull my head out of my ass and get back to doing what I know how to do. What slays me, is I keep telling myself I will recommit once the holidays are over..why can't I just say, I will recommit today? Because that's not how my body works....my body wants to celebrate the holidays without having to think about the size of my ass. My body wants to enjoy the Christmas wine and wonderful meal my mother makes and not sit in the corner with my gallon of water and my caramel nut bar. My body wants to have a few glasses of champagne at midnight on New Year's Eve and enjoy the cheesy chicken dip and chips and spinach and artichoke dip during the New Year's football games. Right now, in this moment, by body is fine at a size 12...but come January 2. My body wants that size 10. I turn 34 on the 30th of January. I want to have one pair of size 10 jeans by that time....that is what my body wants..That is my Christmas wish...(along with someone miraculously making calorie free fat free fettuccine alfredo that actually tastes like fettuccine alfredo but with that one, I will wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first.)

Wow..I am a loser!

And not in the good way. (Well, actually I did manage to eek out a loss this week, more on that later) but, really, talk about falling off the wagon and letting it run over you.
In the blog I follow, Escape from Obesity, the author, Lynn, is dealing with the same thing. Wanting a break from "the plan" and experimenting with other foods. Well, she truly was experimenting, as she was eating fruit and Greek Yogurt and some sort of tea shit, whereas, I have just been eating, whatever I want, whenever I want it. Now, I'm not saying that I'm downing ranch covered pizza or deep fried cauliflower and tenderloins by the dozen, but I am totally not staying on plan. I start out each day with good intentions, but end up derailing my efforts by about 2 p.m. I still have a bar or an oatmeal for breakfast and one for a snack, but the last two days, I have gone to Subway for lunch. I had a 6 inch sandwich yesterday, loaded with veggies and with mustard, I had a handful of almonds for a snack and for dinner, after my 3 1/2 hours of meetings, I had a turkey sandwich on whole grain bread with spicy mustard. Looking at it though logical eyes, why do I feel bad about this? Because I am already eating WAAAY less vegetables than I should and making WAAAY less effort when it comes to eating "properly." Today, I had a chocolate chip pancake muffin for breakfast, I had a salad from subway with no dressing for lunch and just had a bar as a snack and I feel pretty good about it. These are the good days....these are the days that I look forward to during the carefully planned out transition phase that i hope to be going through next month.
NOW, to recap my weekend and share what i should TRULY feel bad about. I drank my weight in Vodka 7's Friday night and let the Blue Moon piano bar fish bowl kick my ass. I had a cheese burger (yes, cheeseburger) at the restaurant, as my coach sat right across the table from me. I did skip the fries in favor of a side salad, which I dipped my fork in the dressing on and I took off the top half of the bun. Somewhere around, oh I'm not sure 1 a.m., I delved into the world of bulemia and lost every ounce of the cheeseburger and some of the vodka.
The next morning I somehow managed to crawl down to the lobby for the free breakfast, I downed three of their fountain Pepsi's ate two biscuits with gravy and some scrambled eggs. Which, came back up approximately 30 minutes later as I continued my foray into the world of eating disorders. (Cleverly disguised as a hangover.) I downed 3 more large fountain Pepsi's in the hope that I may regain some sort of consciousness, but alas, nothing helped.
I struggled through VanAernam cousins Christmas, I had a piece of pork loin, a few bites of cheesy potatoes and a dinner roll, praying that SOMETHING, ANYTHING, would soak up what vodka remained in my system. I had to work that night, and I'll be damned if my hangover wasn't miraculously cured by a handful of cheese balls and a fish sandwich (I did put lettuce and tomato on it, if that counts at all.)
Sunday, we had Jensen cousin's Christmas, and since my hangover was gone...the wine fest began. In my defense, the Jensen's have been boozing it up at EVERY family celebration we have ever had, not boozing, is simply not an option. (We even went back to Grandma's house to have Kesslers and 7 after Grandpa's visitation when he died, its what he would have wanted.) In order to help the wine digest, I had some sirloin tip, again, a few cheesy potatoes and a dinner roll, but this time I added some of Aunt Ardell's famous scalloped corn. I figured I had already gone down the slippery slope of carb overload, why stop before having the scalloped corn? Supper I had some left over broasted chicken breast and some cabbage...HA! something green..so THERE!
I hopped on the scale, fully expecting scale overload..I actually lost 2 pounds. I figure with was my bulemia experiment. If only I didn't piss myself when I puke (thanks for that one kids) and am one of those people who starts puking at their toes, if you know what I mean, and can be heard puking even with a speeding train flying by, I could try it once in a while....just kidding, I think what i will try, is actually staying on plan once Jan. 1 hits and going through transition properly.
***DISCLAIMER**** Please, in no way, think that i am making light of, or poking fun at eating disorders. As someone who has struggled with weight and body image most of her life, and as one who has seen up close via friends what a true eating disorder will do to a person, physically, psychologically, emotionally, etc, I know that it is no laughing matter, I was simply trying to illustrate a story..

Dealing

with feedback and cookies.That is what I am doing these days. I am dealing with feedback and Christmas cookies. Typically by this date in December I have baked roughly 17 different kinds of cookies and candies. (OH the horror!) While I do taste one or two, I don't really eat all that much, I take them to various parties and give quite a bit of it away. This year, I haven't baked at all, until last night. I made a batch of fudge puddles. They are a family favorite and combine two of God's greatest creations chocolate and peanut butter...and now I am dealing with cookies...I ate two bites of cookie dough and one of the finished product. So here I am BAM, back out of the fat burning mode...I have a night on the town planned with my inner circle, I KNOW I will be having cocktails, so I think my brain is saying, "Fuck it, you're going to be out of fat burning mode anyway, so what is a bite of peanut butter cookie dough going to do that the cocktails won't?" Hence my inner struggle. I did not work out last night. I got home from work, threw supper together, put it in the oven, tried to wrap a few Christmas gifts, took Jaci to dance, instead of walking/biking while she was at dance I went to the grocery store and to grab a few stocking stuffers without young eyes seeing what was in the shopping cart. Then I bought a magazine and a diet Dr. Pepper and headed back to wait for dance to be over. I went home, fed the family, made a dessert for a family Christmas on Saturday, baked the cookies and helped Drew study for his semester science test. Then I took a bath and shaved my legs and was in bed by ten. (And the experts say, 'you need to just make time to exercise,') REALLY Mr. Expert? When do you expect a mom to do that? I know, I know, make it a priority...right now, my priority is to find my kitchen counter and try to make it through the holidays....exercise is not on the list right now, but I know it should be...
Now, that I've explained dealing with the cookies, on to the feedback. I know this is something that others struggle with to...what do you say when people say, "Wow you've lost a lot of weight haven't you?" Or something like, "Wow, you're not such a cow anymore," or "Gee didn't your ass used to be the size of a Buick?" Now, it's one thing to have close friends or family say this, ones who haven't seen you in a while, or ones who say, "Wow, I can really see the difference in your face." Those comments I can handle...and I appreciate them and say "thank you", or "kiss my ass, you could have told me I had 8 chins." When I was in Mexico and we were hanging out at the bar the one time and i had on my little black dress and my husband told me I looked hot, and several others at the bar said, "that one is hot," I liked that, I blushed appropriately and "bought a round of shots," (considering it was an all inclusive resort, a round on me was the least I could do :)) It's the comments from the peanut gallery...those acquaintances that I don't know all that well, those are the comments I am trying to deal with. I mean honestly, what do you say to someone whom you've maybe had 2 random conversations with in your entire life, when they say, "You've lost a bunch of weight, haven't you?" Now, I'm not one who is usually, short on words, but when this happens, I stammer and stutter and mumble, "umm yeah, a few..." so I am trying to come up with a rational intelligent answer to that statement...that's another thing I need some luck with.
Tonight, night out with the besties
Tomorrow VanAernam Christmas
Sunday Jensen Christmas....yep...I'm screwed...

It's funny

what a gain can do to a person. I'm not talking a pound or two...while a pound or two can be frustrating, a bigger gain can change your perspective, completely. With my totally earned, 100% my fault and totally asked for 8 pound gain, my perspective is changing. I'm finding it massively hard to stay on plan, but since this is technically my "third day" again, it's understandable. I am also finding it hard to get dressed in the morning. While nothing has gotten too tight to wear and I haven't "outgrown" anything. I am having a hard time doing my hair, putting on make up and wearing anything remotely cute. I want to wear my fleece pullover and yoga pants all day every day. (It could be because its colder than a well diggers ass in January and my fleece and yoga pants are warm and cozy, it could also be because of hits lovely little sinus cold I have, that I want to stay in my jammies.) But really, I think the bloated, oogey, nasty ass feeling I have of gaining weight is what's making me want to revert to old habits. Old habits being, hair in pony tail, not cute clothes and "eh, nobody is going to see me today, so why bother with anymore makeup than foundation and chapstick."
While I did revert to a ponytail today, I did put on full makeup and I am wearing a fleece pull over, but its the fitted kind, and I did force myself to put on a pair of jeans. I drew the line with my sparkly belt and my boots, I skipped the belt and put on my comfy fur lined mules...I just didn't feel the bling this morning. I am hoping that once the day 3 blahs subside that I will find my "cuteness" again. I am hoping I will find my urge to workout again. I know I shouldn't let a little cold get in my way and that many people will say exercise will make you feel better, but, when it feels like you have a Russian prison guard named Helga, complete with her hairy mole and steel toed boots sitting on your chest and you can only partially breathe thru one nostril, if you turn your head just right and if you've blown your nose in the last six seconds, hopping on your elliptical is the last thing one would feel like doing.
I will find my cuteness tomorrow, I hope...I have plans to go out with my"inner circle" and I fully intend to look cute, at least those are my intentions as of this hour...I also intend to at least walk on the treadmill or hop on the recumbent bike tonight while Miss Jaci is at dance. We shall see if I have the follow thru to accomplish it....wish me luck stalker friends.... :)

From this day forward

when i am having a bad day I will look at the beach picture posted here and stare at my shoulder. You may think I sound like a real doucherocket here, but seriously, I am in love with how my shoulder looks in that picture. It's toned, I can see collarbones...I am tan, I look tiny nestled into Dan's shoulder.. (well there are very few people in this world who don't look tiny compared to Dan, hence the Big D thing) anywho..this will be my new inspiration picture. When I am feeling low, I will stare at my shoulder.

I have been staring at it a lot the last couple of days with my 8 pound vacation gain and this huge bloated cow like feeling I'm having. I asked for it though with my massively off plan eating and drinking. I used the excuse that I was on vacation, it was all inclusive (meaning 95% buffet) and yes there were healthier choices, but I for one have a very hard time grabbing an oatmeal or yogurt when there is a waffle/french toast/omelette station staring you in the face. I did skip the french toast and waffles and did a loaded with veggie omelette, but I had toast with it...I also have a hard time going for the salad when there is an unbelievable made to order pasta chef standing three feet from me. It makes me feel a little nervous for transition and maintenance.  I know which options to chose, but will I actually be able to chose them when push comes to shove? Will I be able to maintain my at least 3 day a week work out schedule? (With the massive amounts of crud migrating from my nose down the back of my throat and my enormous swollen glands, there is no exercising at all right now, but the week is young) Will I be able to say no thanks to the pasta and order the salad? Most likely I will order the pasta with a to go box, box up half of it and have the salad too. But as long as I do THAT and not eat the entire 3 pound serving of pasta, I'll be okay. I am again about 20 pounds from my goal...these last 20 pounds may be a bitch...but we will continue on and kick them to the curb, no matter how long it takes or how many ups and downs I have....

What a week

Wow...what a difference a week makes! Yes, I had work out clothes and I-pod packed, yes I visualized myself on the sand...HOWEVER, my heart just was not in it. I just could not handle being cooped up in the fitness room working out, when I could be in the pool lounging at the swim up bar. I could not imagine running on the beach when, the resort we were staying at technically didn't have a beach and when we visited the sister resort that DID have a beach, the drinks were flowing freely and the only thing I was running to was the bathroom. We did however walk ALOT and we did go snorkeling, so it wasn't just lay on my ass in the sun ALL the time. Just part of the time.
I had intentions, but when you have a pina colada in each hand and a cabana boy bringing you fresh drinks every 20 minutes or so...all intentions go out the window....all of the good ones anyway.
I had an AMAZING time on my vacation. I apologize for not blogging. The resort did have 30 minutes free internet daily for all, they only had a couple of computers you could access and it took me most of the trip scouring the 85 acres to figure out where they had hid them!
Back in Iowa, back to reality, back to the weather that's a real son of a bitch and back to my lifestyle change. (BTW I GAINED 8 pounds...yes, 8 pounds...considering I drank my weight in rum and then some, its not so bad.) I had some wonderful salmon, sea bass and tuna..I also had amazing pizza and pasta..yes, I said pizza and pasta.....when you drink from sun up to sun down, a salad doesn't quite soak up the booze like pizza does. Sorry...they also had the most amazing bread....phenomenal. It had been so long since I had eaten bread, it was like heaven.
We're now back to reality....I'm reliving day one all over again. Due to the 90 degree temperature swing my body experienced from Riviera Maya to Iowa, I did bring a cold and sore throat home with me, so, perhaps the "first three day" miserable feeling will be disguised by the cold. Look soon for a new beach picture of me and Dan, I have to admit I can see the difference in this one... I think my shoulders look amazing...Later stalker friends! I've missed you!

My tightass

no pun intended here, but I think my inner tightass/cheapskate is trying to sabotage my efforts, either that, or I'm just a frickin idiot, take your pick. I think part of my head is saying....lose those last 10-15 pounds, I am comfortably in size 12's. Size 10's were my original goal...that is another 10-15 pounds away..piece of cake after losing 56, right? WRONG....Now that I can shop again and feel good about it, the other half of my head is saying, "while the shopping is fun, you just spent $150 on a pair of jeans...don't you DARE get too skinny to wear them!" There was a time in my life that would have paid my rent...but damn, they are cute and they fit good...and I love the little "31" stamped on the waistband.
Friday, I did good, food wise, had a few drinks at my girls night out..vodka with diet cranberry sierra mist, so no carbs and low cals, so that was a plus. Saturday I was UBER busy. I had to take pictures at 84,000 different Christmas events in town and then be the greeter at the Chamber luncheon. So, as simple and as portable as this plan is, one would think, "No problem." WRONG!!!! This asshat left the house without a single bar, pretzel or packet of hot chocolate. NOTHING. So, all I ate all day Saturday was....a chili dog with no bun and 4 Christmas cookies....stellar on plan day there, huh? Sunday I recuperated and other than the bottle and a half of wine that I had at my nephew's birthday party, I ingested nothing that wasn't on plan... (yes, I said wine at a 2 year old's birthday party...that's just how we roll.)
I don't know...sounds like I'm making excuses, doesn't it? And maybe I am, maybe I'm just not as committed to those last 15 pounds as I was to the first 56...maybe I'm tired...maybe I've lost my mojo. I think my mind right now is saying, "Good enough, is good enough." And yeah, sometimes it is, but all of my years of thinking "good enough" got me to be the big fat mess I was. So, as long as my "good enough" includes good enough choices when it comes to eating and a continuation of my exercising efforts, maybe, just maybe, I'll be okay and I'll get that last 10-15 pounds off.
Mexico comes my way tomorrow. we depart on our adventure tonight...workout clothes and I-pod packed...I can visualize myself running in the sand...the intent is there, we shall see if I follow through.
Weigh in today was a maintain. No gain, no loss...

Reason vs. Excuse

I've been thinking a lot about these two words. Reason and excuse...I can give reasons for wanting to achieve a lifestyle change (ain't ya proud Coach K's...I didn't use the D-word) I can give reasons for NOT doing something, but aren't those excuses not reasons?
The definition of reason is: The cause that makes a phenomenon intelligible.
The definition of excuse is: To free from blame, to forgive or overlook, to release from obligation, undertaking or duty.
So, here's my way of looking at it...a REASON is intelligible, it's real. The reason my dad cannot lift more than 20 pounds is because he is a cardiac rehab patient (soon to be released, btw.)
An excuse is more of a feeling or an emotion. I didn't exercise this morning because I felt like sleeping in. It's not that I COULDN'T do it, I didn't FEEL like it. Reason is an actuality, excuse is an emotion.
This kind of relates to the blame game in my mind and this doesn't just apply to lifestyle change. There are so many things in life that we make excuses for because we don't like the "feeling" of it, but we never really get to the "reason" behind it, nor do we take ownership of that reason. It's simply much easier to make an excuse and blame someone else.
Yeah, life sucks sometimes. Things don't always go our way, you don't always have success. It's not always someone else's fault. Sure, sometimes there is blame to lay at the feet of someone else. (Kirk Ferentz, this means you for calling that lame brain time out with less than 10 seconds left and calling a 2 yard pass play when you needed 10 yards.) But, at the same time, the situation is not wholly laid at Mr. Ferentz's feet. Passes were missed, catches were dropped, blocks were shucked and tackles were missed, all of which led up to the close game and eventual loss. At some point everyone has to "man up" or "put on your big girl panties" and know that if something went wrong and you were involved in it, in some way, you had ownership of it...someway, somehow, you could have changed the outcome. Sometimes, it's just not your day, and that's okay, too. (I apologize for the sports analogy, my husband has started to wear off on me.)
You failed a test (surely it was because the teacher didn't give you the right things to study.) You lost the game/match/race (it had to be the coach's fault (was the coach the one throwing the ball/running the race/down on the mat?)) you missed a deadline at work (certainly its because your boss is an asshat.) 
You didn't lose weight this week. You lost the conversation with the cheesecake. You didn't work out. These EXCUSES are not someone else's fault. Give me the REASON for any of these actions, maybe I'll buy it. Chances are I won't because too often someone tries to mask an excuse by calling it a reason and that's just not going to fly with me anymore. (Self, this means you.)
I lost the conversation with the cheesecake last night. I ate a piece at 1:30 a.m. My EXCUSE, yes EXCUSE not reason? Dan had gone to Cliff's for Thursday night football, if I fall asleep and wake up and he is not home, I can't get back to sleep. I start worrying, I start stewing, I start brooding and then I feel like nothing will calm my nerves but food. So really, the cheesecake was Dan's fault...WRONG! Dan is a big boy who can take care of himself. Cheesecake was not going to make him magically appear at the door and all it did was give me 30 seconds of "wow this is good" followed by a massive gut ache (which I still have) and a guilt trip a mile long.
I did not get up and work out this morning, partly because said husband was not home, therefore I was awake for 3 hours in the middle of the night (again, his fault right? Bullshit, I can take a Tylenol PM just like the rest of the world) The other reason was that my work out from yesterday ended at 9 p.m. last night and frankly, I'm too fucking old to have a two-a-day work out. Excuse? Possibly, but I don't want to injure myself and PLAN to work out while my turkey meat balls are in the oven later today. (hee hee I just said balls...)
Sorry, this got a little long and rambling, but...the next time you think you are giving yourself a "reason" for not staying on plan, not eating your 5 and 1 not measuring your lean and greens not drinking your water, ask yourself if it's truly a reason or merely an excuse...I bet I know the answer already.

Recipe:
Stuffed tomatoes
Tis the season for holiday parties I am making these tasty little morsels to take to a cocktail party tonight.
Cherry tomatoes, or right now Food Pride as these little tomatoes called Romanitas, (I think) they are a little bigger than a cherry tomato 99 cents for a bag of like 12.
chicken, crab, tuna or salmon, your choice if its canned drain it and rinse it with water, if its flake, make sure there are no skin or bones
In a bowl, use a fork to "mash" up your meat of choice, you want a relatively fine piece. Mix in a T or two of light mayonnaise, basically just enough to moisten the meat. I then add a little Walden Farms Ranch to make it creamier without adding extra fat and calories You may also use FF sour cream. You want a tuna salad consistency. At this point, you can add finely diced green onion or celery or finely chopped spinach. To all I add some garlic, black pepper, and onion powder, I also add 2 packets of splenda. (My mom has always sweetened her egg, chicken, tuna salad and now I can't eat it any other way) To the salmon I add some dill weed. Take the tomatoes (washed) cut down the center about 3/4 of the way, stuff a spoonful of your salad in the center, place on your serving tray. If you have extra, you can use this to stuff celery or you can spread it on a slice of cucumber.

Hmmmm

So, I did NOT get up and do the pre 6 a.m. work out today, Dan volunteered to take Drew to weight lifting so in bed I stayed, BUT not all is lost, as I have made a date with my elliptical this evening. (Gee I hope it puts out).
Last night, I totally felt like I was cheating. I made a plain pancake muffin, cut it in half put a little peanut butter and some Walden Farms Strawberry fruit spread on it....amazing. It was SOOOOO good. You must try it soon. I got the spread at Hy-Vee in Carroll, its even on sale right now.
Today, I have felt the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat in the span of 2 hours. I put on a pair of aeropastle jeans I bought, without trying on, a month ago, I could not get them over my calves. Today, I am wearing them, plenty of room in the calf and I had to put a belt on too, and for its actual purpose, not just so it looked cute. Evidently the calves are getting smaller. Two short hours later I had my physical for my life insurance and let me just tell you, I hate, no despise, no LOATHE her scale. I have a healthmate digital scale, which I know is accurate. I have a 10 pound bag of flour that I put on it on occasion to make sure it stays "fairly" accurate. The scale this gal used was off from my scale by 20 pounds! YES 20 pounds...I about died. I'm thinking its because its the old fashioned dial kind of scale and she travels with it in her briefcase, so there is no way it can be accurate...(Right?) I'm hoping they don't decide they aren't going to insure me because what I told the dude on the phone interview was 20 pounds different than what my exam reported. I wanted so scream, BUT, BUT, I've lost 56 pounds!!!!  That was almost worse than having to fast until 10 this morning. Evidently ExamOne does not realize this girl has eaten two meals my the time 10 a.m. rolls around, so now I am playing catch up and my body will probably be out of whack for a while today. (The 10 a.m. fast was another reason I didn't work out this morning. I would have been absolutely STARVING and by starving I mean, chew my arm off hungry, by 10 had I worked out, as it was I was just a little hungry.)
Felt pretty good to go to Carroll yesterday, buy a size large pair of yoga pants and a size large sundress and know they would fit. The Buckle gave me mixed feelings. It was nice to know that I could fit stuff in there again. It was nice to not have to look for the largest size they carried. BUT, either the gals working there are much less "vulture-like" than they used to be, or I still looked like I was too fat/old/poor to shop there. We didn't even get a hello. We ended up not buying anything either....

Three whole days

I have exercise for three whole days straight. This sounds utterly and completely pathetic for someone who has been trying to change her lifestyle since June, but its the facts. I exercise, most of the time, maybe 3 days a week, so I am considering 3 days in a row and accomplishment. Two of the three days they were event pre- 6 a.m. workouts. The first 10 minutes of pre-6 a.m. work outs are a mother fucker. Its like your legs are are still sleeping even though the rest of your body is moving and your eyes are open. Okay, sometimes my eyes are not even open yet, but I am making an effort. The goal this week is to exercise all five week days. Baby steps people, baby steps.
I got my hair "did" today. It always makes me feel better. It looks good, but it's making me feel older, as I am back to my natural color and Jaci tells me it looks "gray." Yeah, well kid, I had light blonde hair until I had you people, so....it's your fault.
My family was damned near the downfall of me this week, as they decided on Sunday they needed "dessert". I had in the freezer one of the cursed band cheesecakes, which I took out of the freezer so they could have dessert. I swear to Christ the fucking thing speaks to me as I walk through the kitchen. I will admit I had one bite of Drew's on Sunday. It was DIVINE. I have had to have "outloud" conversations with myself about avoiding the cheesecake. I have to speak the words, "YOU WILL NOT TOUCH THE CHEESECAKE" outloud to myself several times in order to avoid eating it. So far it has worked. If the family does not finish off the cheesecake today, I will throw it away. Or perhaps I will put it back in the freezer for future use.....but I WILL NOT TOUCH THE CHEESECAKE!!!

Food tip:
OMFG this is the best, its my new favorite treat. Since we can now have some peanut butter, (It's almost like the TSFL head honchos knew I was about to go homicidal without peanut butter.) I mix a spoonful of all natural chunky peanut butter into my brownie batter before I bake it....delicioso!!! Try it!

Mama Likey!

I won! I Won! I WON!!!!!!! I really should have prepared an acceptance speech. First and foremost I want to thank my heavenly father....just kidding. I worked really hard, had some really nice weigh ins and the scale Gods are shining down upon me. It was nice to have a little extra incentive, especially with the holiday season here. Thanks Coach K for organizing this challenge and thanks to all who participated, ya'll made me bust my ass. ( It probably does not hurt that I was most likely one of the largest asses in the competition, yes, even with a now 56 pound loss, so I had more percentage to lose) but no matter, I will take it and it will motivate me to continue to work hard and reach my goals. Speaking of which, 10 pounds to my first original "weight" goal. I don't think I will get to my size goal with just another 10 pounds, so I will most likely up my goal. Part of me is not sure I will ever reach my size goal as I just don't see my calves getting a whole lot smaller and they don't make single digit sizes with ginormous calf circumference.
I shall do my measurements this week and see if the calves even even lost at all. I'll keep ya posted :)

The day of reckoning

Final weigh in day for the $140 challenge is today. I had a pretty good run. Two weeks of really good losses and a decent one this week. (More on that later). I think I have a good chance to bring home the prize, but not knowing who all 7 were who participated, there could be a dark horse or two in the running. (I am secretly hoping Thanksgiving tripped everyone up....not that I'm not being supportive, or wishing someone ill, I'm just hoping they drank the gravy, cuz Mama wants some Christmas cash.)
Anyway...I sort of felt like i was on the Biggest Loser this week, doing my last chance work outs. I logged 50 minutes on my elliptical last night and another 40 this morning. I take Drew into the school to lift weights at 7, SO I set the alarm for a little before 6, jumped right out of bed and hit the elliptical, ran him into the school, came home, weighed in and got ready for work. It was not a bad way to start my day, I gotta admit it!
I was hesitant to step on the scale this morning. Yesterday I was having a bad self image day. Its funny, when I have a bite or two of off plan things and drink a few beers, ( I helped my brother move on Saturday, so a few beers were had during the event. I figure with lifting the couch, deep freeze, refrigerator and dryer, not to mention the countless boxes and trips in and out of both houses, I burned off the beer calories. (Yes, just my brother and I moved the big things, I am She-Ra Woman of Steel) Anyway, when I have BLTS (bites licks and tastes) and beer, I feel like I get instantly "puffy". I swear yesterday, my face looked like it did 54 pounds ago. Add into that mix the big sweater+leggings and tall boots that is supposed to = cute, instead equaled lumpy and bulky and I felt like I could dive headfirst into the cheesecake that's hiding in my freezer. All of that led up to the 90 minutes of exercise in the last 24 hours. Evidently it paid off...this morning's weigh in was another 2 pounds gone. That's 12 pounds (if my math is correct, I'm leaving the charting up to Coach K, I'm not a numbers person) in the last 3 weeks. WOWZA!
So, now I wait to see if I pulled off the victory, either way, 12 pounds is a victory. Now, I just have to keep my exercise regimen up the rest of the week, as Mexico is one week away and (Please cover your eyes for this part or feel free to beat me when you see me Coach) I don't anticipate being 100% while on vacation. I anticipate making "better choices." The seafood is amazing, so that won't be a problem, it will be the "fruity drink concoction menu" that we attempt to make our entire way through that will hang me up and quite honestly, a free trip to Mexico doesn't come along everyday, so my Fuck it attitude is going to win out...I'm just being honest here. I will however, pack my workout clothes and PLAN to, when Dan is at his required meetings, go to the fitness center, or perhaps run on the beach. So, I am going with a plan in mind. I am also hoping to see a good loss next week to give me some cushion for Cancun.

New (to me) food: I shouldn't say this food is new, I have had it before in my life, (just not with such regularity) zucchini.... I eat the shit out of this stuff now. I put it in/with everything. (I feel a little like the Vince Vaughn character in Wedding Crashers when he talks about putting maple syrup on everything) but seriously, grilled chicken, add steamed zucchini...shrimp stir fry...add zucchini...sautee zucchni, add peppers and mushrooms and top with a little marinara...add them to my scrambled eggs, you get the picture...I am having a big ol fat love affair with my zucchini right now. (and not that way, get your minds out of the gutter) :)

Success?

For those of you who haven't checked out the blog "escape from Obesity," also a blogspot blog, please do so. Her subject matter today is Success without Perfection. It's a good one. Lynn (that's her name) says that you can have success without having perfection. That's true, partly. With the plan I am on, in order to have the kind of success one truly desires, you pretty much have to be perfect. No bites, no licks, no tastes, no beer, no wine...measuring everything, tracking everything...perfect. When I was/am perfect I see 4-5 pound losses per week. Phenomenal results. When I am not perfect, I don't see those results. Does it make me any less successful? Perhaps. In the immediate, yes, I am less successful if I am not perfect. When I look at the big picture, no..any loss is a loss and if I see progress without being perfect I am successful. (I think my thinking on that comes from being a Cyclone fan all my life. A loss (of weight) is a loss no matter how it was achieved no matter how ugly it was, like a win is a win, no matter how it was achieved or how ugly it was, and I'm perfectly okay with that.)
I know that when I am not perfect, I am only prolonging my time on this program, spending more dollars in food in order to get to my goal and pushing my goal back by days/weeks/months. Its a vicious cycle that I have come to accept.
Now, how about you? Can you accept success without perfection? Great..wonderful, you may be getting your head wrapped around this whole little game called a lifestyle change. If you cannot accept it, then good luck with whatever plan you choose, there will be no pleasing you. Life is not about perfection. NO ONE is perfect all the time. You will fail if you expect to be perfect every step of the way. Sorry, life's a bitch.
My rambling half assed point here is this....you do not have to be perfect to be successful. You have to be accountable to yourself and satisfied with the results you are getting. Be happy that you're seeing a loss of one or two pounds and not a gain. Be happy that your face looks thinner when you look in the mirror. Be happy that you have to buy new skivvies because your old ones are falling off your ass. BUT,  If you find yourself making excuses or "settling" perhaps its time to re-evaluate the "why" in all of this.
Oh and one more thing...I don't think that the white shorts will make the trip to Mexico...their passport has been denied. NOT because they don't fit...they do. Its that whole "skewed perception" thing I have going on..you see, when hanging on the hanger, the white shorts looked like a normal pair of white denim shorts that would work wonderfully in Mexico. My problem with them is once you take them off the hanger and pull them over someone who has curves and an ass, her ass cheeks literally stick out the bottom of said white shorts. While I am all for a good pair of "shorts" I don't think Dan's bosses need to see those "cheeks" smiling at them. Sorry white shorts, your passport is just not valid.

So..... (warning food porn involved)

the big day/big meal is over. How did we do stalker friends? I know I did just so-so. I was semi on plan and I am okay with it. I would like to point out, and please know Kristie, I say this with mucho love and respect, but when you say, "If you must have a bite or two of that 'favorite thing' you'll be surprised at how satisfying it is," I say BULLSHIT! While yes, the bite or two was scrumptious, I was not satisfied, I wanted more. TWO BITES OF STUFFING WAS NOT SATISFYING...it was torture. In fact, I made my family take all of the stuffing they thought they could possibly fathom eating, put it on their plates, I took my little 3 bite pile and then in the middle of dinner went and fed the dogs the rest of the stuffing. Happy Thanksgiving puppies, hope you liked it.
Two bites..okay three bites of the caramel drizzled pumpkin poke cake was not satisfying either...It was heavenly, in fact, it ranked right up there with anniversary sex...It was pumpkin cake with fudge and sweetened condensed milk poured into the holes, topped with cool whip and drizzled with caramel. (I did at least use lite cool whip if that counts for anything.)  I told the kids, "Not that I want you to eat nothing but cake today, but IF there is cake left when I get home from work today, there will be hell to pay."
I did stay on plan, having a chocolate chip pancake/muffin for breakfast, drank tons of water, had my cauliflower mashed fauxtatoes, green beans and turkey breast. I did have several pieces of celery and baby tomatoes with my home made crab dip, made with FF cream cheese. I did not eat anymore my meals than the one I had for breakfast, mostly because I was not hungry at all.
I did have no problem getting up this morning and whipping up my dark chocolate mocha shake. I had a bar for snack and a bag of soy crisps with my tomato soup for lunch and am feeling good. I have learned on this journey that you cannot let one or two bad decisions ruin it all. You have to get back up on that horse and ride him. I am riding for all I am worth today. (My problem today has to do with the fact that I was sent to take pictures at Julefest,.,,SURE send the one with the shopping problem to a SHOPPING EVENT...that's a BRILLIANT idea. At least I got paid my time and mileage, however, I spent what I would end up making at my first stop. Oh well, tis the season!)

Thanksgiving

Here is a typical menu at my family Thanksgiving.
wine
cheese and crackers and crab dip
relish tray
wine
olives and pickles and pickled herring
wine
wine
turkey, dressing, sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, gravy, three salads, green bean casserole, macaroni corn, dinner rolls with real butter and more wine
pie, cake and other desserts
wine
leftovers
more wine and more pie
One can usually skip a course or two of wine if you drink beer or hard liquor SOOO my plan, club soda with a slice of lime, everyone will assume I have achieved full time lush status and am drinking vodka or gin...no one will be the wiser. Since my dad's MI, we are also forgoing the green bean casserole in favor of sauteed green beans and we are skipping the macaroni corn. I plan to load up on turkey breast, sauteed green beans, olives and hit the relish tray pretty hard. The point of this is...go with a plan. Have the plan in your head, it makes it easier to stick to the plan, remember what the coaches say, "If you fail to plan, you plan to fail."
One of the biggest challenges you may have is the family members asking why you're not eating this or that, or Aunt Edna trying to load your plate down with her "famous cranberry fluff." Here are some ways to avoid that:
If you have a family like mine, who sets the food out on the counters, everyone walks through, fills their plates and scatters to wherever the folding chairs are set up, its easy to put exactly what you can have on your plate, as most of the time, the first few through the line are done eating by the time the last few even get seated.
If you have one of those families who has to all sit down at the same time with placecards and watch the turkey being carved, your clandestine efforts may start to come into question, if you simply don't want to talk about your plan (which obviously works so why wouldn't you brag about it?) You can always put a few spoonfulls of the offending cranberry fluff, or stuffing or whatever, on your plate, stir it around and then excuse yourself.
Otherwise you can always say you're not feeling so well, let off a few Medifarts and no one will question what you do or do not eat....
My point is, your biggest challenge this weekend might not even be the food, it will most likely be people questioning what you are eating...don't let them dictate what you put into YOUR body, change the subject, toss back a club soda, start acting drunk and walk away....
Happy Turkey Day, Ya'll..

The Blame Game

Let me preface this by saying I am by no means talking about a specific person or a specific program when I talk about this subject. I think this is something we can all relate to, something we have all been guilty of no matter who we are or what program we're on, be it Weight Watchers, Get Skinny, calorie counting, Atkins, whatever. We like to play the blame game.
Our failures or shortcomings are much easier to accept when we point the finger at someone else.
"Mom makes the best stuffing, and I just couldn't pass it up, if only she hadn't made it, I would have been FINE!"
"We went out to eat with Dave and Sue and food wise I did great, BUT everyone was drinking and I just couldn't pass it up! If they hadn't ordered that bottle of wine!"
"I didn't lose as fast as Karen did, so obviously, I can't do it...if Karen had only lost 2 pounds a week, then maybe I could have done it."
I could go on and on with all of the excuses we make and all of the stupid things we tell ourselves to justify why the number on the scale didn't move down or didn't move as far as we wanted it to.
When I hear someone start listing their excuses it makes me wonder if they A) have even tried to stay on plan OR B) Even give a shit. I've said this before and I'll say it again, NO ONE CAN DO THIS FOR YOU. If YOU aren't ready to make a change and commit to that change, it will not happen. Sure, I've had my setbacks, I've fallen off the wagon, I could be beyond goal and well into maintenance by now if I'd have pulled my head out of my ass, but I haven't and it's something I have to get over. The fact of the matter is, I AM getting over it. I AM deciding to give a shit. I AM trying. I AM NOT making excuses or blaming someone or something else. I am the one who's ass got this big..No one force fed me. No one told me to lay on the couch with a bag of potato chips and a white bread with cheese and mayonnaise sandwich. I did it. Now I have to do this. And I have to TRY to make it work.
54 pounds gone. Sizes I have not seen since high school. I wore a size 13 my senior year. The jeans I am wearing today are 12's. My belt is a medium/large. This is why I try. This is why I give a shit. No one else did this for me, I did it and I will continue to do it.

For tomorrow: Mashed fauxtatoes
Boil a cup or so of cauliflower (whatever you have for green allowances, personally I am skipping the actual green, in favor of these) add a triangle of laughing cow cheese, mash with a potato masher spray with ICBINB spray, you have mashed potatoes. YUMMMOOOOOO!

I'm BAA-AACk

You missed me, didn't you? Admit it...you love me..I know....anyway, sorry about the lack of posting yesterday, stupidly busy day at work and I simply ran out of time.
I figured out part of my funk from last week. Coach K-the oh wise Grasshopper that she is, KNEW I had an underlying something going on...I did. It's time for my depo shot, which means I was in fact PMSing..no wonder the cravings monster was lurking around my door. Anywho...enough with those details!
Had a couple of NSV's (non-scale victories) First, I bought a belt that is a size medium large...MEDIUM!!! HOLY SHIT MEDIUM! I have NEVER worn anything medium, not even my socks are size medium...Second..rumor has it the hubs was bragging about my weight loss and how proud he is of me, always a good victory and third..size 31 jeans...which translate to a 12, I think? Another HUGE victory!
And now, since it is weigh in day, for the actual SCALE results....DOWN 5 pounds!!! FIVE POUNDS! HUGE week for me! Again, I can almost feel the $140 in my pocket....but moreover, I can see the white shorts fitting and see myself getting to goal. Which, I am close to...original goal anyway. Once I get to that number I will re-evaluate and see if I am satisfied where I am at or ready to go farther. Original goal is ONLY 12 more pounds, I can SOOOOO do that..I can do this..all of this, even with the holidays coming and Thanksgiving this week. I can control this. I am the master of my destiny...(christ, that was cheesy.) As you embark on the single biggest eating day of the year, control it. be the master of YOUR destiny. If you can't stay 100% on plan. Make wise decisions. Jump right back on that wagon. Don't let stuffing and pie be your excuse to go off track completely.
Later gators...

Recipe:
Zucchini "chili"
I made my family chili the other night and didn't want to make an entirely separate meal for myself, SO, I sauteed in olive oil pam a small zucchini, diced, some diced green pepper, diced tomato and shredded cabbage, when it was tender, I added 5 oz. lean ground beef drained and 1/2 cup rotel sprinkled it with some paprika and chili powder and it was REALLY good and REALLY filling. With all the veggies, it filled my big soup bowl and I still felt like I was eating with my family.

Sticky trap

If you ever have four legged critters invade your home and need to get rid of them sticky traps are without a doubt the way to go. They are more fail safe than traditional traps and you don't have to bait them with cheese or peanut butter. In fact, if you put peanut butter on them, the peanut butter can work as a lubricant and the mouse can free himself. Then he will continue to frolic through your home smelling like peanut butter and missing a few patches of hide.
The only problem is, a sticky trap, when successful, usually is successful at 4:18 a.m. and when said sticky trap catches its prey at 4:18 a.m. the 3 inch long mouse will thrash and flail and cause such a commotion you would swear you've trapped a pygmy goat. Especially when the trap is laid on a hardwood floor. I'm not shitting you, it sounded like the little bastard drug the trap all the way across the floor, danced the Jitterbug and then retreated back underneath the dresser tap dancing the entire time. In reality, he might have moved it a few centimeters.
Because it was 4:18 a.m., I was held captive by the mouse. I was not about to get up and "take care" of it. Big D was of no help; peacefully snoring through a Rupplemintz laden Bears victory and it was too early to get up and do something, so I just laid there and thought. I though about how some days I am like this little mouse bound to the sticky trap. If you've ever had a mouse in a sticky trap you know that for great stretches of time, they will just lay there, content,  contemplating how the hell they got themselves into this situation and wondering how they can get out of it, then all of the sudden like someone lit a fire under their tiny little mouse ass they jump around and kick and scream and flail and rebel trying to free themselves.
I thought about how this journey I am on is like being in a sticky trap. For long stretches of time, I am content, I just "lay there" contemplating what I am doing and am peaceful with what I am doing. I eat what I should, when I should, I drink all 100 ounces of water and then some. I exercise. I track my condiments. I measure my vegetables (well, eyeball them anyway, after all, my ass did not get the size it is by eating too many broccoli florets.) Then all of the sudden, I rebel, I kick and scream and flail and wrestle with myself unable to free myself from the "trap" I've fallen into. I stop counting and measuring, I nibble here and there. I stop exercising. I feel like I am a mouse waiting for someone to put a little bit of peanut butter on my sticky trap so I can work myself free. (Really, I would slit someone's throat for some peanut butter....the real stuff, JIF Extra chunky.)
I feel that I am on my way back down from my "trapped" period, as I went to the fitness center and worked out last night. Three miles on the treadmill in 41 minutes. I walked 5, ran 10, walked 5, ran 5, walked 5, you get the idea. It felt good and my legs hurt today. Pain is good. I also went home and ate a chicken breast and a large bowl of baby tomatoes. I'm having veggie issues this week. I feel like I will cack if I see another shred of lettuce and I will not be held responsible for my actions if I eat another green bean, so the tomatoes were a large victory, as I have been slacking in my green department this week.
T-minus 19 days until the white shorts must fit. I'm not sure when the final weigh in for the $140 challenge is...It's time to get out of my trap.

Some more

reasons why. (Forgive me, but today is a two post day, I'm needing motivation in the worst way, so I bring you more reasons why.)

1) (I can't remember what number I left off on last time, so we're just going with #1 again.) I want to be as pretty on the outside as I am on the inside ( or at least that's what people tell me. Most days I feel like a snarky bitch, but evidently I'm pretty fucking cool.)
2) I never again want to hear the phrase, "But you have such a pretty face."
3) I want to be average
4) I don't want to have to take medication other than birth control until I'm MUCH older. My grandma took only a baby aspirin and one pill for her "shakes" until she was nearly 90, I'd be cool with that.
5) I want to stop having to buy only shoes and purses (you know that shoes and purses never make a girl look fat.)
6) I want to be able to go to the gym, fitness center, bike trail, run a race, etc. and look like I belong there instead of getting that "look" from people. It's a look that's sort of a combination of pity/incredulity/shock/mirth...like they half ass admire you for "trying" yet secretly want to laugh at you because you're only going 3.5 mph on the treadmill and can't let go of it for fear you'll fly right off the back end.
7) I want to be able to let go of the handles on the treadmill with no fear of flying right off the back end. (This might not be achievable, not because of weight, but because I am truly a klutz and can bruise myself just getting out of bed in the morning.)
8) I want to be able to just be me...not the fat one, the thin one, the funny one...I want to be done with labels and just be me...now I know I can do that at any size, but trust me, when you've been the "fat one" for so long...just dropping that adjective can do wonders.....

Finding motivation

is damned difficult some days. Last week, no problem...this diet..I mean lifestyle change and my elliptical were my bitches. I was the ruler of my domain. I had motivation shooting out of my ass like a bad case of the Medifarts (for those of you on Coach K's plan, you know what I'm talking about here.) This week.....nothing..nada...zip. Is it because I went off plan on vacation? Perhaps. Is it because I'm getting complacent? Shit, I hope not. Or is it because some days are just plain hard? DING DING DING!!! We have a winner here!!! I think we are so caught up in instant results, "make me skinny and make it easy" that we forget that there are very few things in life that are instant and almost nothing in life worth doing that is easy.
That's not to say that this program is the easiest, no brainer, "how could you possibly fuck this up?" plan I have ever been on and it's worked the quickest, BUT not every day is it rainbows and sunshine and kittens...today is one of those days for me. I am NOT hungry but the snack monster, binge monster, fuck it all and give me a cheeseburger monster is rearing its ugly head today. As is the work out? what's that? monster. I had my alarm set for 6 this morning, did I get up? Hell no...it's getting cold outside and my down comforter and specially made "Big D Heating Unit" were much more comfortable than my cold, dreary, man cave with the nasty ass elliptical. So in bed I stayed, until I made myself late getting out the door and totally threw my whole system out of whack. (Usually I make a shake to have while I am getting ready, so I have my first 'meal' at about 7:15....today, it was hurry out the door-grab a coffee cup and a package of oatmeal, which I did not get to eat until almost 9 a.m. which meant I was already digging into my emergency almonds at 10:15.) Normally, I would grab a bar or two, I am out of bars and due to a fucktard at TSFL headquarters my shipment was delayed by two days...GRRRRR.
I think I am already starting to stress out about the holidays, too. I am a total stress eater..ah hell, who am I kidding, I can eat when I'm happy, sad, mad, glad, doesn't matter. But stress really stresses me out. There are what 36 days until Christmas? That's two paychecks....and when I put it that way...I get really stressed out and I would like to drown my financial worries in a big 'ol plate of Kraft macaroni and cheese. (Financially, Christmas ALWAYS works out, NO ONE goes without or with gifts they don't want and the hubs always opens the check book, but just the whole IDEA of it freaks me out.)
Maybe I'm just stressing out for no particular reason...I don't know. I just know that today is a hard day. I know that when I look back on today, as I get farther along this mission, I will look back and laugh, but for today, I'm looking for that motivation anywhere I can find it.

Recpie:
I shared this one with some fellow Coach K'ers but for any newbies stalking me
Chocolate Chip Muffins
1 pkg chocolate chip pancakes
1/8 tsp (or so, I really do just grab a pinch or two)
water as directed
Mix in a glass measuring cup or coffee cup, nuke 1 minute 15 seconds. It will pop right out of the cup, split it in half squirt it with a little I Can't believe It's Not Butter Spray, enjoy...this is one of my favorites.

Perception vs. Reality

People often say "Perception is reality." Like if people perceive you as a bitch, chances are, you are a bitch. But I tend to disagree, those who focus on perception, usually don't want to take the time to see what the reality really is and therefore have a skewed perception.
A skewed perception is what I am battling, as are I think, many of us.
I found a before picture and sent it off to Coach K. It was hideous. And the problem is, I honestly didn't think I looked that bad, that day. I had a skewed perception. My problem is, I sent her an "in progress" shot, because I'm not ready for "After" yet. As I looked at it, my skewed perception sneaked up on me again. You see, when I was on vacation, I was feeling like a million bucks, feeling like I looked like one hot bitch...in fact, I tried taking a few pictures of myself in the mirror because I felt I looked so good. It must have been the 84,000 beers I had and Don's cigar smoke making me crazy because when I stood still to have my picture taken this morning, I thought I looked like ass...not just regular ass..like a big ol' fat, hot mess of an ass. (I was going to use a picture of Dan and I as my during, since that it what my before picture is, but the ones of us together, we are all bundled up at the game, so I had to have my co-workers just take a snap shot of me this morning.)
The problem I have is...I still see the six chinned, beer bellied girl who's Indian name could be "Sits on Three Asses." I don't see that I have changed, even though when I held up my new jeans to show the other girls on our trip Dan said, "there is no way you can fit those," and I promptly stripped down and put them on just to prove it to him. I don't see that I have lost nearly 50 pounds. I don't SEE that I can run or last an hour on the elliptical.
I still see my skewed perception.....I haven't won that battle yet.

The results are in

My weekend getaway was a tale of ups and downs. You're all probably sitting there wanting me to be all awe inspiring telling you how I stayed 100% on plan and lost five pounds...Sorry, you obviously don't know me very well.... I think I may be rationalizing, or maybe just making an excuse, but, when I think of going on a vacation, I think of it as doing something (things) you wouldn't do on a daily basis. I don't sleep in a hotel on a daily basis. I don't take $20 taxi cab rides on a daily basis. I don't drink 84,000 beers on a daily basis. So therefore, as long as what I ingest on my vacation is not ingested on a daily basis, and as long as when I come back from vacation I get back to normal, I'm okay, right? RIGHT.....in my mind anyway.
So, I talked a little about the waffles and chocolate beer already and that i chose the tenderloin on greens and not the cheeseburger, so I'll fast forward.
Upon leaving the hotel and heading to the outlet mall in Aurora, I had my first down...I HAD TO HAVE a regular fountain Pepsi. The medicinal effect it has on me when I have a hangover is truly amazing, I felt 200% better in almost no time. That was quickly followed by a series of ups. Size 11/12 jeans at Rue 21, one pair that was only $6...HUGE up, considering I hope to not be wearing them for long.... second up, I'm sorry, could you bring me the next size smaller at the Lucky store.....and they were only $39, another HUGE up. Size Large, yes, large, no x's in front of it, just a large belt at the Guess store. By this time, its going on 2 p.m...enter another down....I split a chicken club stromboli with Dan. I mostly ate the filling, just a bite or two of the bread, then it was off to Chi-town.
Beer thirty began and I started with vodka cranberry juice, once the $9 sticker shock wore off, I switched to Bud Light....almost NO ONE had select or Ultra..the big thing out there is the ale's and the really strong beers...EWWWWW....34 beers later we headed out to the Chicago Chop House I avoided the breadbasket, but did order a pomegranate martini and had a few glasses of red wine (Don bought a $78  bottle of wine, hard to say no to it.) I had the 10 oz. filet (smallest steak they had) and asparagus. I did have a few bites of the four cheese au gratin potatoes with truffles, simply because I had to know what potatoes that cost $44 served family style would taste like. I did also have one bite of the $18 slice of siz layer german chocolate cake. 72 beers later I hit the bed.
I got up and hit the fitness room (yeah me), but my glory was soon side tracked by the smoked brisket nachos at Harry Carray's and the 6 Bailey's and coffees. There is a small amount of victory in the fact that Dan and I SPLIT the nachos and did not order sandwiches or entrees.  98 beers later we hit the Kirkwood which is a Husker bar in the heart of Chicago, not exactly a fun place for a cyclone fan to be, but the beer was cold. Another plate of nachos and some Rueben wantons later (shared by four of us), we ordered 60 more beers. The positive in the day, my hour long work out and no kidding we probably walked four miles.
Sunday, GAME DAY!!!!! We had breakfast at this cool little place on Michigan called Yolk. I had the chicken fajita omelette...FULL of green peppers (finally some green, huh?) We walked a mile to the stadium it was too cold to drink more than one beer. But I did have a hot chocolate...too many calories yes, but they did not serve coffee and I needed something warm. BEAR DOWN, as the Bears won, burned probably 200 more calories high fiving the crowd around us and jumping up and down. Our game was followed by the dreaded tip to Giordanos.....I caved. I could not resist the Chicago style pizza. I had one entire slice. It was worth it. It was ooey, gooey, unbelievable cheesiness worth it.
Monday, departure day.... So sad. We toured the city for a few hours, took a double decker bus ride around the city, had breakfast at Yolk, again, had another veggie filled omelette.
We left Chicago behind and headed back home, back to reality...big time, as today was weigh in day. A testament to all the walking I did, all the pre vacation works outs, because as I hit the scale today, I was down one pound...and I am wearing my new size 11-12 jeans today :) And as I type I am on bottle number 4 of water and am munching on a caramel nut bar.

Bagels, waffles and chocolate beer

These are just  afew of the temptaions thus far on my vacation. massive hangover this morning. Free contintential breakfast, nothing on it I can eat, except for the alien looking egg thingy on the "mcmuffin". Thank god the room has a microwave and I have a chai in my purse. I have bars and puffs and pretzles with me too, I am just saving them for when I am out and about.
The cheesebruger at the Roundhouse looked amazing. I had the grilled beef tenderloin on a bed of wild greens, it was pretty good, a little too much vineagrette, but considering my alternatives, I was pretty damned proud of myself.
Off to the outlet mall in a few hours, goal, size 12 jeans......avoid the pizza....By the way, I did NOT try the chocolate beer, it just sounded intruiging. Amber tried it, it smelled like lemons...go figure....

I will not give in

...okay I might...BUT the fact of the matter is, I have been preparing all week for our Chicago getaway. By preparing I mean busting my ass, by busting my ass I mean doing the impossible. Impossible being setting the alarm clock for 5:30 and actually waking up at that hour and dragging my ass down the stairs to work out. That's right..this violently non-morning girl woke her ass up at 5:30 just to work out. Talk about making a change. In fact, as I was heading down stairs thinking of the changes I am making I actually started singing, "Ch-ch-changes" in my head. I have managed to squeeze in 5 work outs in the last four days. This morning I had to take my own advice and do the 10 minute thing and I nearly gave up after those first 10 minutes because my legs were still burning pretty good after my 45 minutes last night, but thanks to Pink and her "Dirty little freaks," I made it the full 30 minutes I set out to do.

When I think of the changes I've been making, I think that when you start a "lifetsyle change" you have to look at it as making a few small changes versus making it out to be a drastic change. I think sometimes we have the tendency to "make a mountain out of a molehill" when it comes to getting healthy and that's when we set ourselves up for failure. It's like stopping smoking cold turkey, some people have success, most don't. If you're doing the GetSkinny4Good plan, take it one meal at a time, which is simple when you think of it as taking it two hours at a time (since we get to eat every 2-3 hours). It's much easier to say, "I just finished this oatmeal and I'm still kind of hungry, but in just two hours, I can have a brownie," than it is to think, "SHIT!!!!! I'm starving, someone hook me up to the chocolate syrup by I.V. cause I am NEVER going to get to eat like a normal person again." Bullshit...you are eating like a normal person, you are eating SMALL, healthy, portion controlled meals every 2-3 hours, which is what a normal person SHOULD be doing. Eating 3 pounds of fettuccine alfredo with 2 pieces of garlic bread a salad and a bottle of wine for ONE meal, is not NORMAL.
If you are not on the plan, but are doing something, that's fine, do ANYTHING, but whatever you're doing if you think of it as a small change, like, drinking more water, eating something green at every meal, adding a healthy snack, cutting back on sweets, whatever, just commit to making a change and pretty soon all of those small changes will add up, and you'll see that YOU have changed.

I tried on the white dress, as I suspected, I couldn't get it over my boobs, let alone over anything else. I may have to reevaluate that and hope i can wear it by next spring. (I'm secretly wondering if its a size 12 girls and not a size 12 women's. That would make me feel much better)
I hope to get at least a blog or two in while on vacay to let you know how the battle with the Chicago style pizza went, but I'm not promising anything. It sounds like I will be doing a lot of walking, so I will burn off a few beers that way, anyway.

Food tip-
Use your seasoning, flavorings, splenda, etc. It improves things dramatically! I ALWAYS add some salsa to the chili as I'm cooking it, chicken boullion and onion powder are a must in the chicken soups and I never make a shake without throwing some sort of sugar free syrup flavoring in it. Find the DaVinci or Toriano syrups and make them your friend.....

Enemy lines

I am my own worst enemy. I am my own worst enemy. Say it with me people, loud and proud...I am my own worst enemy. It's not the pizza or the pasta or the chocolate bar or the onion chips I fight with, its me...my head my brain...just me. Now, that's not to say that some days I don't feel like the Chris Farley Lunch Lady with life sized slices of pizza and ice cream dancing around me, screaming, "Stuff me down your pie hole!" But in all honesty, I don't crave these particular things. I simply crave whatever is there, whatever is available and I know that when I have these cravings, its not my stomach I am feeding, its something else. It's boredom, loneliness, lack of sleep, lack of se...naw, we won't go there, but you get the idea.

Now don't get me wrong, I know there are people out there that have serious cravings for certain things. (You know who you are, you're the ones that if your heads were cracked open a million little Hershey bars would come running out.) But here's the thing, if you are staying 100% honest to this plan, you will not crave these things. And if you do, you are simply craving the motion you go through, perhaps the E-motion connected to having that Hershey bar or you're needing to feed something else. The trick is figuring out WHAT you need to feed and how you need to feed it.

Now, I know that I'm sounding all wise and all knowing here and you're thinking, "Sure easier said than done, Sweetcheeks!" And I know it's easier said than doen because I struggle with this every day too. Just last night I struggled. It was 11:00, I had been in bed for a good hour, hour and a half. I had gone home, made a cauliflower crust BBQ beef pizza (which I will share below) worked out another 45 minutes on the elliptical, (yes I have ass cramps today, thank you) and was feeling pretty good. The kids were in bed, there was nothing on tv worth watching, Dan wasn't home yet, I was by NO means hungry, but there I was staring at the two slices of three day old pizza that were still in a ziploc in my fridge. I shit you not, I got up at least a half a dozen times to open the fridge and look at those pieces of pizza and for some reason I just could not throw them away. I HAD to have them. I caved, not completely, but I did pick off two bites of the toppings and then threw the rest out to the dogs.

It was like being an addict. And sadly, I've come to realize, I am, I am addicted to food. I am my own worst enemy. It's not the pizza that was battling me, it was an internal battle. And I think I know what caused it.....I scale jumped. I KNOW better. I have told you people the horrors of scale jumping, but I just couldn't help myself. I figured after 75 minutes of elliptical time yesterday, that SURELY I had lost a HUGE amount of weight (It didn't matter that I know weighing at night is pointless, that you're always heavier at night. It didn't matter that I know not to weigh in daily. It didn't matter that I was fully clothed. I scoffed at the sweatpants and was certain my hard work would counteract the 1/2 pound those sweats probably weigh.) I got on the scale and saw a 5 pound GAIN, that's a NINE pound swing in the matter of 14 hours. My head knew it was my body messing with me, but my heart was broken and the first shots of that age old inner battle with myself were fired. You know those shots, the whole "Fuck it. Why do I bother busting my ass when this obviously isn't working." Here's the deal. I have recognized what happened, I stopped myself before I got the ranch dressing out and doused the pizza in it and threw back the whole piece and I am dealing with it today. So, while the war continues, the battle was won.

Recipe:
BBQ Beef Pizza

1 cauliflower pizza crust baked crispy
some walden farms BBQ sauce, however much makes you happy
shredded sirloin tip roast
1/4 cup mexican blend cheese
dill pickle slices, optional.

Bake your pizza crust, either from scratch, with the recipe previously posted, or use one of the frozen ones, if you did that. Top with sauce and shredded beef, roughly 3 1/2-4 ounces (you have used some lean in the crust and with the cheese). Place pickle slices on the beef, if you choose, top with cheese, put under the broiler until the cheese melts OMG if you are a fan of BBQ beef pizza, you will Big Puffy Heart this.

Drum roll please

Here we are, my first official weigh in since starting this blog. To go all 'Dr. Phil' on your asses, again, I have not 'owned' what I weigh. (Meaning, while I 'own' the fact that getting the scale to a number I am happy with is a journey I have committed to taking, I do not have the balls to share with you what that number is...yet.) So, I am simply going to tell you what my losses or gains (hopefully we won't see to many of those) are.
Today I am down 4 pounds. FOUR WHOLE POUNDS! I think I drank at least four pounds of beer on Saturday, so I would like to give a big ol slap on the ass to my metabolism and a huge 'atta-girl" to the fat gods who were smiling down on my scale today.
Truth be told I needed that four pounds in the worst way with our Chicago vacation staring me in the face. Coach K has asked me why I am thinking of this get away any differently than any other weekend and that if I am on plan, I should not be craving things like deep dish Chicago style pizza. I think the fact of the matter is I am still sort of treating this like a diet and not like a lifestyle change, which is something I need to work on. I am thinking to myself that vacation means a vacation away from everything, not just a chance to get out of the house. And as far as the pizza goes, I don't think I am actually craving the pizza itself, I'm simply craving the "experience" of it. Sort of like, "You can't go to New York without seeing Times Square or having a hot dog from a street vendor" one cannot go to Chicago without seeing Wrigley Field and having some deep dish pizza.
While I cannot guarantee I won't have a bite of the said pizza, I am committed to ordering a big ol salad to accompany the pizza and have committed to exercising every day to try and make up for the bite I may or may not have. I am also committing to exercising because the day of the white short wearing is inching ever closer and while I want to wear said white shorts, I would really love it if they were too big. (And I forgot that I bought a cute little white sundress for the trip that looks like it might fit oh maybe my six year old, even though it is only one size smaller than what I am currently wearing.)
So---last night, 30 minutes on the elliptical, this morning alarm went off at 6 and I went another 30 minutes on my elliptical and it felt GREAT! IF you're having trouble getting motivated to exercise, no matter what kind of exercise you do, try giving it just 10 minutes. If after 10 minutes you absolutely can't go any farther, or really aren't into it, then stop. Appreciate the fact that you at least did 10 minutes which is better than doing nothing. If you continue after that 10 minutes, then just take it 10 minutes at a time, before you know it, an hour will be gone and you'll have kicked that treadmill's ass.

Recipe:
This is one of my fall back on all the time favorite L&G's
1 small green pepper sliced into strips
1 small red pepper sliced into strips
1 T fajita seasoning
1 tsp olive oil
9-10 oz. shrimp thawed (this is the pre-cooked shrimp, peeled and deviened, most of the bags are 45-60 count.) *** I know you're thinking 9-10 ounces, is she on crack? No, I'm not, remember your leans are weighed after cooking and while the bag says "pre-cooked" a little more weight gets cooked out of the little buggers, leaving you with 7 ounces.**

Mix the seasoning and oil with a few tablespoons of water, pour over the shrimp and peppers and put into a grill basket, throw on the grill for 6-7 minutes. YUMMMO!!!! If you have condiments to use, throw some salsa on top and enjoy!!!!

Non-scale victories

Because one is not to weigh in daily, as previously mentioned and is (eh hem) advice I still find hard to take, as I have stepped on the scale 3 out of the last 5 days, one should try to focus on OTHER positives, such as non-scale victories. Like the fact I got hit on several times at the bars on Saturday night. (Granted he was old and wearing a McCain/Palin fleece vest) BUT, it was a legitimate hit. Or, the fact that the Aeropastle jeans I bought several weeks ago (without trying on) that have been too tight in the leg are on my behind right now and don't fit too bad, thank you! Or even the fact that the feed sack full of Halloween candy that is sitting on the counter has not called my name once in the last week. Or that I can work a shift at Darrell's and eat a grilled chicken breast and a lettuce salad and not even be phased by the onion chips or the cheddar crisps. These are victories that do not necessarily reflect what the scale says and they are things that you need to remember when the number on the scale isn't what you think it should be. SO, goal for the week stalker friends, focus on your non-scale victories. Take your measurements, try on a pair of jeans you haven't worn in a while, you will see changes, even if your scale doesn't reflect it.

Now, for other business, I can already hear several of you saying, "bar? Did she say bar? What was she doing in the bar? Oh, I bet she was the DD and she was drinking ginger ale...." Um, no, she was not and frankly, if anyone you were thinking that, your privileges as stalker friend have been revoked. I was drinking and enjoying it. BUT here is the big difference.....Old Jill upon entering her home after an evening of cocktails would have eaten the ass end of a skunk dipped in ranch dressing and covered with cheese then downed a gallon of fountain pepsi and gone to bed. The next morning, old Jill would have made hashbrowns, eggs, toast and sausage because nothing soaks up a hangover like a little grease. NEW IMPROVED Jill ate a bag of chili nacho cheese puffs, downed a gallon of ice water and went to bed. For breakfast she made scrambled eggs topped with salsa drank some more water, then went outside and took a walk. (then went inside and took a nap, at 10 a.m.) Anyway, my point is and keep in mind this is my opinion and my opinion only, I think one of the big reasons one shouldn't drink while on this program is that you lose your inhibition and the same thing in alcohol that makes you think you're a "Solid Gold" dancer makes you think its okay to eat ranch dressing covered skunk ass, or whatever it is you choose to eat when you've had too much drinky drinky.

Another thing to think about if you choose to drink, is that, I realize that if I were to not drink, I would probably see bigger losses, but I am fine with the losses I have seen thus far. ALSO, I know that the decisions I make are what is affecting my loss, or lack thereof, not that the program itself is not working, or that it's the coach's fault.

I guess what I am trying to say is that no matter what program or plan you are on, if you don't follow it, or work at it, it's not going to work. Coach K can't do this for you, I can't do this for you, you can't do this for me. I am the one that let my weight get out of control, I have to be the one that fixes it. I have to own it. (God, now I'm starting to sound like Dr. Phil.) I completely own the fact that I went to the ISU/NE game on Saturday and drank like the college kid I still am at heart. BUT, foodwise, I stayed 100% on track and if I only see a 3 pound loss tomorrow and not a 5 pound loss, I will be okay with that.

Recipe alert! (Got this one from Coach K)

Granola
1 pkg oatmeal
1 pkg Splenda
1 T caramel syrup
1 tsp cinnamon
water
mix dry ingredients, add syrup and add water a few teaspoons at a time. (I think I ended up only using a tablespoon of water) You want the water to just get the mixture to come together. Sprinkle onto a greased cookie sheet and bake 5-10 minutes at 400. Store it in a plastic baggie. I had this for mid morning snack today, it was a nice change up and a good way to eat the oatmeal on the go.

A few reasons why

Since I won't be blogging over the weekend, (as I told my stalker friends, its going to be hard enough to do this every week day, so don't expect weekend posts) I will go ahead and post an extra entry so you won't go through any withdrawls. (I am pretty addictive, I know. )
When I started this LIFESTYLE CHANGE (you're welcome Coach K) I had a few reasons as to why I was doing it, i will share them now with you. (Some of you may have heard/seen some of these, tough shit, read them again.)
1) I want a smaller ass. (Hence the name of my blog, clever, I know)
2) I want to weigh less than an NFL linebacker, and I'm not so sure I do. (See related reason 11)
3) I don't want to be the "fat mom."
4) I want to be able to wear Drew's sweatshirt/jacket/warm up, whatever, when he hands it to me to hold instead of having to use it for a napkin or seat cushion.
5) I want to hear people say, "Big D, your wife is pretty hot, how did that happen?" (I did actually hear this a few weeks ago and I gotta say, I didn't exactly hate it, and I want to hear it again.)
6) I want to be able to run. (Anyone who's followed me knows that I am starting to get there!)
7) I want to get rid of my eight chins and "bat wings."
8) I want to be able to walk into any store any where and know that I could fit into anything, not just shop for accessories.
9) I want to wear a 2 piece bathing suit. (Not a bikini, but a 2 piece.)
10) I want to be able to run, jump, bike, do whatever with my kids without fail.
11) I want to be smaller than an NFL kicker. ( I have successfully achieved reason #2, so we had to change players.)
12) I want to learn to just eat and eat like you should, using food as fuel, instead of obsessing about what food I might eat when and how it will taste and dreaming about alfredo and reese's peanut butter cups.
13) As much as I have always been okay with being the "fat, funny one" I would just as soon drop the fat part of that description.

Those are just a few of my reasons for doing this and if I keep them fresh in my mind, then perhaps, more of them will get accomplished.

Food tip!
1) Always, always ALWAYS blend your shakes in the blender with cold water and ice cubes...so much better that way.
2) If you aren't a fan of the vanilla skakes or pudding, blend them with ice and diet root beer, makes for a yummy root beer float.
3) Mix your soups and oatmeals first thing in the morning, or the night before and refrigerate them until you are ready to nuke them. This helps the noodles, rice, fruit, etc reconstitute and the taste and texture is MUCH better.
4) If at first you've tried something and are convinced you hate it, give it a few weeks then try it again, you may find your tastebuds have changed.

Torture: AKA scale wars

So, we've all heard that one is not to step on the scale every day. You may wonder why, and I am here to tell you. Stepping on the scale every day is a form of torture akin to say, having Jon Bon Jovi sitting in a plexiglass cube in the middle of my living room and I can't break the plexi-glass, or being told that I could be the filling in the Brian Urlacher/Tim Mcgraw sandwich that is locked in my minivan and I can't find my keys. Case in point, I have been an ANGEL on the plan all week (as one should be) I even worked out last night. I stepped on the scale this morning and BAM, I am UP two pounds..FML...but alas, it is not my true weight, it is my body messing with me. My body does this alot, in fact, I can and have fluctuated 8+ pounds in the matter of two days. THAT IS NOT REAL WEIGHT PEOPLE! A gain of 8 pounds is ingesting and NOT burning an EXTRA 28,000 calories. 28,000. That is the caloric equivalent of 52 Big Macs or 7 ENTIRE large Pizza Hut meat lover's pan pizzas, and trust me, I KNOW I am not eating those things or coming anywhere even close.

So, while I on occasion like to peek at the scale, I know I shouldn't because I KNOW that when I weigh every day, I am not seeing a true reflection of what is reality.

I mentioned earlier that I worked out last night. At our last "Get Skinny" meeting I talked about the fact that I need to "go somewhere" in order to get inspired to work out, even though I have umpteen DVD's and an elliptical in the man cave. So last night, I thought SCREW IT, walk the 12 steps down into the mancave and get your ass on the elliptical! So, I forced myself into strapping on the tennis shoes and wiggling into the sports bra, grabbed Drew's I-pod and away I went. (Disclaimer: I did have sweats and a t-shirt on, too.) I must have been singing a little louder than I thought I was, because the kids kept peeking down the basement steps. Drew later admitted that he thought I had fallen off the elliptical and was hurt because it wounded like I was crying. (And to think I used to be a lead soloist, so I thought I could ACTUALLY sing.) Anyway, with the help of a few newly downloaded songs, I went 42 minutes on my elliptical...as I texted Coach K...I told her it was time I made this diet my bitch.

Songs to add to your workout playlist:
Pink- 'Raise Your Glass'
Flo Rida 'Club Can't Handle Me'
Eminem- 'Not Afraid' (If you listen to some of the lyrics and instead of thinking the song is about getting clean, they really can relate to weight loss, i.e. "I just can't keep living this way, so starting today, I'm breaking out of this cage. I've had enough gonna face my demons. Etc."
Stevie Wonder- 'Superstition'
B.O.B. featuring Rivers Cuomo, 'Magic in Me'

Recipe:

Cauliflower Pizza Crust
CRUST:
1/4 cup Egg Beaters (1/8 Lean)
3/8 cup (which = 1/4 cup + 2 Tbs.) 2% low fat shredded Mexican 4 cheese variety for a
firmer crust (3/8 lean)
1 cup steamed cauliflower shredded a food processor, magic bullet or blender (2 greens)
Dash of Italian spices (optional)

Mix together and put into a Pam sprayed foil pie pan. Pat down so it all sticks together.
Bake 20 min at 450 till it starts to turn brown then flip it over and bake another 10 minutes. I bought 9 disposable pie pans and baked 4 at a time. I used the extra pan to place on top of the hot pans to flip them over. Then I could just slide the crust back into its original pan. I'm sure a spatula would work just as well.

TOP WITH:
2 tsp Ragu Pizza Quick sauce - it's only .5g of sugar (2 condiments)
1/2 cup 2% low fat shredded Mozzarella cheese (1/2 lean)
1/2 cup of veggie - I used red, yellow & orange bell peppers (1 green)

I have also added mushrooms, sliced black olives,  a handful of browned ground turkey, BOCA crumbles or turkey pepperoni, spinach and broccoli, basically whatever you have hanging around.

I then cooked my pizza on preheated pizza stone at 425 for 10 min which made the crust even crisper - Yum! You could also use a cookie sheet or even the foil pie pan used to bake the crust.

TO FREEZE CRUSTS:
Let cool, wrap each in plastic wrap and then stack them in a Ziploc freezer bag. Foil tins can be easily washed and ready for next time. When ready to use let defrost, top with toppings and bake. I think it's best to make several at a time, so when you get the urge for pizza, you can just have pizza without all the mess!