Here's to a better 2011...

Not that I can truly complain about 2010. In looking back, I had a pretty damned good year. Lots of memories made and good times with friends. Annual trip to the Ozarks is always good. We made it to the State Fair for a few days with the kids. Went to Chicago and Cancun this fall/winter. I got a new (to me) car. We updated some of the appliances at the Christensen ranch...and I lost 56 pounds. (At one point...but enough about the gain, as it will come off again, and then some.)
When truly thinking about having a better 2011, I wonder how it could be better than my 2010? Here's how it can be better....I can get these last 20 or so (okay 30) pounds off and keep it off. I can actually stick with an exercise program. Program being every other day, at a minimum, for at least 45 minutes. I can get to my goal, get some sculpting done and go get our celebratory tattoos with the inner circle. (yes girls...we still need to do that.) I can go to Puerta Vallarta (I don't have a whole lot of control over that, that's on Big D's shoulders....) We can go back to Chicago.. (actually I think that's in the pipes already for June) I can go back to being blonde...well blonder than I am. I feel better blonde (er). One more thing I can do to make 2011 better...continue this blog...it keeps me sane and hopefully it brightens your day, on occasion.
Here's to a very happy, safe, secure, skinny and prosperous New Year to you all stalker friends! Love ya!

Epic

failure...that pretty much sums up what my December was. It started out fantastically and is ending dismally. I had a goal, I had a plan, i had a program that was working, I was in the zone. I had started this blog, i had won a challenge, I was making this my bitch. THEN, my booze laden binge started in Mexico and quite honestly, hasn't stopped. HAD I stayed 100% on plan since winning my challenge, I should have been at goal getting into my dreamy size 10's, hitting an all new low on the scale and could have/would have lost 12 more pounds, instead, I have gained about that much...that's a 24 pound swing. That is pathetic.
I have started back on plan, it's difficult, but after trying to put on a pair of jeans this morning that fit perfectly one month ago and now, lets just say, don't fit so perfectly, it will be worth it.
The size large shirts that I bought back in October and put in the "Christmas fund" thinking, gee these might even be a bit baggy, are not at all baggy...same with the tall black boots that were just a little tight on my huge ass calves. I bought them in October thinking these will no longer be tight in December..guess what...they are still tight..
New year coming time for new goals....
1) Get back to my Dec. 1 weight by Feb.1
2) Instead of trying to win the grand champion prize in the muffin top contest, get rid of some of the bulge.
3) Get back to the basics...for the first 6 weeks or so on plan I lived on chicken and shrimp fajitas...I love chicken and shrimp fajitas..Why am I not eating chicken and shrimp fajitas?
4) Put the fat jeans away for good.
5) Exercise daily
6) By Valentine's Day, I want to be rocking a pair of size 10's.
7) By St. Patrick's Day I want to be in transition.
Rewards
1) When I hit #1, I will buy some salon time
2) When I hit #6 I will purchase the coveted size 10's and I will pay full price for them.
3) When I hit #7 I will do it correctly. I will be the skinny bitch.
Tip:
If you are one of those people who cannot leave the peanut butter alone, buy the little JIF to go packs. They are portion controlled and if you eat the whole little container, oh well...its one serving. I cannot be trusted with a spoon and a jar of JIF, the little to go packs are a life saver...

And now for some more

Since I decided to start off my day with a bitchy rant about what's bugging me, I'll continue.
I think I half ass understand MTV's reasoning behind shows like Teen Mom and 16 and Pregnant. They want to show girls the reality of teen pregnancy, and how its not easy, but in reality, what they're doing is GLAMORIZING it...the "stars" of these shows are all over magazine covers, on the nightly entertainment shows and are on the front page of every msn/aol and yahoo home page. So when 16 year old Peggy Sue finds her self pregnant she doesn't think, "this shouldn't happen. I can't handle this. Let's give the baby up for adoption." She thinks, "Boo-ya! I'm gonna be on TV and I'm going to be famous!" I don't care if its a ratings win MTV, enough...there is nothing glamorous about being knocked up at 16, so stop making young girls think its cool. (For that matter, there is really nothing glamorous about being knocked up at 34, either...pregnant and glamor do not belong in the same sentence.)
FOR THE RECORD...I am neither 34 nor knocked up, for any of you trying to draw conclusions from that last statement.
For you Hawkeye fans who made fun of us Cyclone fans when WE made the Insight Bowl...a bowl win is still a bowl win, right??? Oh and did you hear the one where Iowa City is going to an all dirt field so the players can't smoke the grass or snort the lines? (Hee hee hee...FOR THE RECORD, I attended a Hawkeye Bowl party and I even wore a hawkeye sweatshirt, so don't be a hater because I'm pointing out the obvious and poking fun.) Having to wear such foreign attire is probably the cause of today's bitchiness. (I'm certain its the cause of the strange rash that has appeared)
Dear maker of childrens' toys..for the love of all things holy do you really need to not only sew the Taylor Swift singing doll to her box, but also put three different zip ties on her various body parts and then attach two small plastic thingys with screws? FOR FUCK SAKES DUDE its a DOLL not a nuclear war head!!!! I propose that all toys in which tools are required to just get them out of the Godforsaken box, come with said tools. It's like the whole put your own furniture thing together. If it needs and Allen wrench, it should come with an Allen wrench.
Whew....I'm starting to fell better...as you were....

Ranting

Pardon me for going off topic today, but you know what? It's my blog...I can write about whatever I want to write about...and off topic being not related to "lifestyle change." Its one of those days where I need to stop thinking about it/obsessing about it and just "live" it.
Off topic bitch number one...I'm sorry honey, but if you come home drunk/tipsy and I don't automatically offer you a wild 'roll in the hay', it doesn't mean that I am being a bitch, or that I am mean. I apologize, if 'Come here and hop on,' doesn't make me swoon....
Off topic bitch number two...I really cannot stand people who think EVERYONE else in the world hangs on their every move, every word, every action, every reaction. Let me tell you this sweetie, my world does not revolve around you, in fact, I hardly know you, so why, pray tell, do you think you need to question/or explain anything and everything you've done/said or heard in the last two years? This is not junior high and we are not in Genoa City, so stop acting like you're 13 and get out of the Young and the Restless....you have absolutely no impact on my life other than to annoy the holy hell out of me, today. I really cannot think of much that interests me less than you and your sex life.
Off topic bitch number three...because (see bitch number one) I am evidently a really mean, cold, bitch, I laid as far over on my side of the bed as I could and refused to move all night, thus my left shoulder/side of my back is killing me....knife wrenching pain....and I have no ibuprofen in my purse because someone, who shall remain nameless (MY HUSBAND) took it out of my purse.
Off topic bitch number four...my house is an absolute disaster, it still looks like Santa's elves threw up and the rest of my family seems completely unaware of it. They sit there in their own little pig stys, dropping candy wrappers on the floor, leaving soda bottles on the coffee table and dropping their dirty socks and wet towels wherever they feel like it. And I have not had time to do much about it, other than to sweep my kitchen floor, wipe down the counters and wash the dishes. I threatened both of my offspring before leaving the house this morning and if nothing has improved by the time I get home, I have absolutely no qualms about destroying some of their new found Christmas treasures.
(I thought day number three of "induction" (meaning starting over on plan) was supposed to be the crabby, bitchy, brutal day? Hmmm...guess my family is in for a real treat the next 48 hours!!!!)
Here's hoping my mood improves and I stop bitching...soon..even I am getting tired of my attitude!

Day one: Part Deaux

That's it! I'm done, I don't care if it's Dec. 28 or Jan.1. Today is the day, I start over. I'm sick of myself, my fat pants are getting tight. I had gotten to the point where I could throw all of my jeans in the dryer and not worry about it, last night, I laid them out to dry. WHY? WHY I SAY???? Why do I let myself fall back into old habits so easily? I guess because it is easy. It's easy to grab whatever is at hand and stuff it in your face. It's easy to sit on the couch and veg instead of working out. It's easy to go buy bigger pants instead of working at getting back into the smaller ones. (thank God I haven't done that yet.) It's easier to order pizza than it is to cook a healthy, balanced meal.
Here's the thing...I don't want to be easy anymore. I want to get my energy level back instead of sleeping for 12 hours and feeling like I could sleep some more. I want this marshmallowey feeling to go away. I want to crave vegetables again and not bread, pasta and crackers.
New Year's plans or not, (which at this point is an invitation for an early dinner and drinks, which we haven't decided whether or not to do) I don't care, today is my day one again. I had a mocha shake for breakfast, I have oatmeal 'brewing' (which means softening) I have chili in the fridge and I have chili cheese puffs for a snack, or a brownie, depending on what I feel like. I have blue hake in the freezer which I will cook on my new little George. (I've had a George for a few years, but it's ginormous. I wanted one that I could fix my little piece of fish or chicken breast on, not one that I could grill a side of beef on, which was approximately the size of my old one.) I have a bag of broccoli steamers in the freezer. I have a plan.....If you fail to plan, you plan to fail....I will say a prayer over the wine I pour down the drain later tonight..(this I might not do...I may put it in an ice cube tray and freeze it for future sangria, it seems much less wasteful). I WILL say a prayer over the cookies and candies that are going directly into the burn barrel. I won't let me get me....

In my head

holiday means "excuse to eat/drink whatever you want." It makes me wonder whose bright idea it was to make all holiday gatherings revolve around food. Take my mother's house, for example...we had and I am NOT exaggerating here, EIGHT different dips and or cracker spreads, summer sausage and cheese, pickled herring, a relish tray, 3 different kinds of snack/chex mix, oreo balls, peanut butter balls, homemade caramels, three different kinds of cookies and eight different kinds of wine. There were only 11 of us there and three of us, are children. AND that was before dinner and desert...I am going to be brutally honest here, I didn't even look at the relish tray. I drank two bottles of wine, by myself. I had two dinner rolls. Even our "vegetable" was a carb, as mom made corn. Did I stop eating and pull my head out of the cracker box after that? Hell no...that night, we snacked on left over "snacky stuff" from mom's for supper. THEN on Sunday, we had dinner at my mother in law's. Turkey, stuffing, potatoes, rolls, and yes, mint brownies and 4 layer desert....for supper last night, popcorn and m&m's....Today, my hair is greasy, my jeans are tight, I have a headache and I'm for lack of a better word..."puffy" in fact, I feel like the Michelin man.
There is absolutely NO reason why I cannot make today my new "day 1" other than the fact that half of my brain is saying, "Nope, you said Jan. 1 you were going to start over on Jan. 1, not Dec, 27, so Jan. 1 it is, eat that remaining cracker and dip combo and drink the rest of that wine and do like 90% of the rest of the general public and start fresh on Jan. 1."
Its not like we've even planned anything for New Year's Eve, in fact, we don't typically go out because there are too many cops hanging around, but on the off chance we might go somewhere and do something, I don't want to be restricted....meanwhile, I'm sitting here restricted because my clothes are tight and I feel like shit....such is my inner battle, the battle I always have....my head knows what it's supposed to eat...I KNOW how to do this...I just wish my head would tell the rest of me to follow suit...

Things I'm not used

to hearing... "If you keep it up, you're going to waste away." "I almost didn't recognize you." "Where did the other half of you go?" "Seriously, you're like a twig." "Hey there Skinny Mini," These are all things that I have heard in the last week.
Ummmmm, no I won't waste away, my skinny jeans are cutting into the muffin top I still have and are to the point of needing to go back in the drawer for a few weeks. (I continue to wear the skinny jeans in hopes that I will put the cookie down and back away from the table)
Ummmmm, pretty sure I actually LOOK the same, just two less chins and a different shade of blonde. (However, I look in the mirror and still see two extra chins, so I am POSITIVE, I look the same.)
Ummm....I have not lost half of me. IF I were to lose half of me (which quite honestly, half of my starting weight is within my "healthy weight range") my mother would want to hospitalize me and people would be forcing me to ingest Cheez Whiz via I.V. While consciously I know I have lost a good amount of weight...there are days I struggle to see that I have lost an ounce.)
Ummmm...twig and Jill never belong in the same sentence, UNLESS the sentences are "I bought this at Twigs," or "If I sat on you I would snap you like a twig." or "Mess with my children and I will snap you like a twig." or "I need another twig to get this campfire lit." (I think when people use twig to describe my weight loss, its that yes, my legs look a lot skinnier than they used to be...I still have the above referenced muffin top, I still have underarm fat that jiggles, I still have "backfat" that could probably be measured like a side of pork and I still have an ass that jiggles when I attempt to run.)
Ummm...Skinny Mini, nope...not me at all. I wear a double digit pant size, I am still not comfortable admitting to anyone, other than my coach, my husband and my mother what I actually do weigh, I do not enjoy exercise, I do not eat like a skinny person when given free reign over a menu. I am not a skinny mini. While the reference is somewhat flattering, skinny minis wear single digit sizes, do not have a gut that hangs over the top of their jeans, have no trouble telling people what they weigh, enjoy some sort of exercise, at least every other day and eat like a skinny person, faithfully ordering a vegetable, a lean meat and skipping the bread basket...SO NOT ME....(in fact up until the last few pounds lost, I hadn't even told my husband what I weighed.)
These phrases are flattering and I hope some day I get used to them, but dieting/changing your lifestyle and battling with yourself over what to or not to eat or when to exercise is such a mind fucking that I think it may take me longer to adapt to a new way of thinking than it will take to adapt to exercise or skipping the bread.

Christmas wishes

I heard this yesterday and it's something I think about a lot and would truly like it to be my Christmas miracle..."I just want to be able to eat what I want and still be skinny." That is my Christmas wish, my Christmas miracle. And honestly, who doesn't want that? My son must have a metabolism that runs two million miles and hour. I kid you not the child can eat every 10 minutes and is still a twig. On Thanksgiving he ate two HUGE plates of food, started in on a slice of cake the size of my head, stopped halfway through the cake to stretch, finished the cake and 20 minutes later was back in the kitchen warming up dinner rolls. His pant size a 29/34...there is seriously not an ounce of fat on the child. (I am looking forward to high school wrestling next year, not to watch him wrestle, but to see what his body fat test is, cause it has to be in the single digits.) I am jealous, but, again I remember that he A. is a 14 year old boy, I am a 33 year old mother of two. B. He religiously wakes his parents up every morning to take him to weight lifting, I religiously tell myself to work out more. C. He has some sort of sporting activity every week day, all school year long, football practice, wrestling practice, track, weight room. I walk to my vehicle every day...He can eat what he wants when he wants and still be skinny because he has earned it. This is not to say that his genes will catch up with him some day, look to your right at the pictures, genetically, he's not meant to be a "tall/scrawny." This is also not to say that he won't be mindful of what he puts into his body and what he expects to get out of it. I can already see the seeds of a "healthy lifestyle" implanted in him, as he will go for a run, on occasion, just because. Or reach for the milk, because he hasn't had any today and needs some calcium.
He gets to eat what he wants and stay skinny because that is how his body works...that is not how my body works. If I eat what I want and not what I should, my skinny jeans get tight, my face looks puffy, I get headaches, I don't sleep worth a damn and I end up stopping at Casey's and staring at the breakfast pizza instead of just grabbing my coffee and getting the hell out of there. So while my Christmas Miracle or Christmas wish is to eat what I want and still be skinny, my true Christmas wish is to just pull my head out of my ass and get back to doing what I know how to do. What slays me, is I keep telling myself I will recommit once the holidays are over..why can't I just say, I will recommit today? Because that's not how my body works....my body wants to celebrate the holidays without having to think about the size of my ass. My body wants to enjoy the Christmas wine and wonderful meal my mother makes and not sit in the corner with my gallon of water and my caramel nut bar. My body wants to have a few glasses of champagne at midnight on New Year's Eve and enjoy the cheesy chicken dip and chips and spinach and artichoke dip during the New Year's football games. Right now, in this moment, by body is fine at a size 12...but come January 2. My body wants that size 10. I turn 34 on the 30th of January. I want to have one pair of size 10 jeans by that time....that is what my body wants..That is my Christmas wish...(along with someone miraculously making calorie free fat free fettuccine alfredo that actually tastes like fettuccine alfredo but with that one, I will wish in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up first.)

Wow..I am a loser!

And not in the good way. (Well, actually I did manage to eek out a loss this week, more on that later) but, really, talk about falling off the wagon and letting it run over you.
In the blog I follow, Escape from Obesity, the author, Lynn, is dealing with the same thing. Wanting a break from "the plan" and experimenting with other foods. Well, she truly was experimenting, as she was eating fruit and Greek Yogurt and some sort of tea shit, whereas, I have just been eating, whatever I want, whenever I want it. Now, I'm not saying that I'm downing ranch covered pizza or deep fried cauliflower and tenderloins by the dozen, but I am totally not staying on plan. I start out each day with good intentions, but end up derailing my efforts by about 2 p.m. I still have a bar or an oatmeal for breakfast and one for a snack, but the last two days, I have gone to Subway for lunch. I had a 6 inch sandwich yesterday, loaded with veggies and with mustard, I had a handful of almonds for a snack and for dinner, after my 3 1/2 hours of meetings, I had a turkey sandwich on whole grain bread with spicy mustard. Looking at it though logical eyes, why do I feel bad about this? Because I am already eating WAAAY less vegetables than I should and making WAAAY less effort when it comes to eating "properly." Today, I had a chocolate chip pancake muffin for breakfast, I had a salad from subway with no dressing for lunch and just had a bar as a snack and I feel pretty good about it. These are the good days....these are the days that I look forward to during the carefully planned out transition phase that i hope to be going through next month.
NOW, to recap my weekend and share what i should TRULY feel bad about. I drank my weight in Vodka 7's Friday night and let the Blue Moon piano bar fish bowl kick my ass. I had a cheese burger (yes, cheeseburger) at the restaurant, as my coach sat right across the table from me. I did skip the fries in favor of a side salad, which I dipped my fork in the dressing on and I took off the top half of the bun. Somewhere around, oh I'm not sure 1 a.m., I delved into the world of bulemia and lost every ounce of the cheeseburger and some of the vodka.
The next morning I somehow managed to crawl down to the lobby for the free breakfast, I downed three of their fountain Pepsi's ate two biscuits with gravy and some scrambled eggs. Which, came back up approximately 30 minutes later as I continued my foray into the world of eating disorders. (Cleverly disguised as a hangover.) I downed 3 more large fountain Pepsi's in the hope that I may regain some sort of consciousness, but alas, nothing helped.
I struggled through VanAernam cousins Christmas, I had a piece of pork loin, a few bites of cheesy potatoes and a dinner roll, praying that SOMETHING, ANYTHING, would soak up what vodka remained in my system. I had to work that night, and I'll be damned if my hangover wasn't miraculously cured by a handful of cheese balls and a fish sandwich (I did put lettuce and tomato on it, if that counts at all.)
Sunday, we had Jensen cousin's Christmas, and since my hangover was gone...the wine fest began. In my defense, the Jensen's have been boozing it up at EVERY family celebration we have ever had, not boozing, is simply not an option. (We even went back to Grandma's house to have Kesslers and 7 after Grandpa's visitation when he died, its what he would have wanted.) In order to help the wine digest, I had some sirloin tip, again, a few cheesy potatoes and a dinner roll, but this time I added some of Aunt Ardell's famous scalloped corn. I figured I had already gone down the slippery slope of carb overload, why stop before having the scalloped corn? Supper I had some left over broasted chicken breast and some cabbage...HA! something green..so THERE!
I hopped on the scale, fully expecting scale overload..I actually lost 2 pounds. I figure with was my bulemia experiment. If only I didn't piss myself when I puke (thanks for that one kids) and am one of those people who starts puking at their toes, if you know what I mean, and can be heard puking even with a speeding train flying by, I could try it once in a while....just kidding, I think what i will try, is actually staying on plan once Jan. 1 hits and going through transition properly.
***DISCLAIMER**** Please, in no way, think that i am making light of, or poking fun at eating disorders. As someone who has struggled with weight and body image most of her life, and as one who has seen up close via friends what a true eating disorder will do to a person, physically, psychologically, emotionally, etc, I know that it is no laughing matter, I was simply trying to illustrate a story..

Dealing

with feedback and cookies.That is what I am doing these days. I am dealing with feedback and Christmas cookies. Typically by this date in December I have baked roughly 17 different kinds of cookies and candies. (OH the horror!) While I do taste one or two, I don't really eat all that much, I take them to various parties and give quite a bit of it away. This year, I haven't baked at all, until last night. I made a batch of fudge puddles. They are a family favorite and combine two of God's greatest creations chocolate and peanut butter...and now I am dealing with cookies...I ate two bites of cookie dough and one of the finished product. So here I am BAM, back out of the fat burning mode...I have a night on the town planned with my inner circle, I KNOW I will be having cocktails, so I think my brain is saying, "Fuck it, you're going to be out of fat burning mode anyway, so what is a bite of peanut butter cookie dough going to do that the cocktails won't?" Hence my inner struggle. I did not work out last night. I got home from work, threw supper together, put it in the oven, tried to wrap a few Christmas gifts, took Jaci to dance, instead of walking/biking while she was at dance I went to the grocery store and to grab a few stocking stuffers without young eyes seeing what was in the shopping cart. Then I bought a magazine and a diet Dr. Pepper and headed back to wait for dance to be over. I went home, fed the family, made a dessert for a family Christmas on Saturday, baked the cookies and helped Drew study for his semester science test. Then I took a bath and shaved my legs and was in bed by ten. (And the experts say, 'you need to just make time to exercise,') REALLY Mr. Expert? When do you expect a mom to do that? I know, I know, make it a priority...right now, my priority is to find my kitchen counter and try to make it through the holidays....exercise is not on the list right now, but I know it should be...
Now, that I've explained dealing with the cookies, on to the feedback. I know this is something that others struggle with to...what do you say when people say, "Wow you've lost a lot of weight haven't you?" Or something like, "Wow, you're not such a cow anymore," or "Gee didn't your ass used to be the size of a Buick?" Now, it's one thing to have close friends or family say this, ones who haven't seen you in a while, or ones who say, "Wow, I can really see the difference in your face." Those comments I can handle...and I appreciate them and say "thank you", or "kiss my ass, you could have told me I had 8 chins." When I was in Mexico and we were hanging out at the bar the one time and i had on my little black dress and my husband told me I looked hot, and several others at the bar said, "that one is hot," I liked that, I blushed appropriately and "bought a round of shots," (considering it was an all inclusive resort, a round on me was the least I could do :)) It's the comments from the peanut gallery...those acquaintances that I don't know all that well, those are the comments I am trying to deal with. I mean honestly, what do you say to someone whom you've maybe had 2 random conversations with in your entire life, when they say, "You've lost a bunch of weight, haven't you?" Now, I'm not one who is usually, short on words, but when this happens, I stammer and stutter and mumble, "umm yeah, a few..." so I am trying to come up with a rational intelligent answer to that statement...that's another thing I need some luck with.
Tonight, night out with the besties
Tomorrow VanAernam Christmas
Sunday Jensen Christmas....yep...I'm screwed...

It's funny

what a gain can do to a person. I'm not talking a pound or two...while a pound or two can be frustrating, a bigger gain can change your perspective, completely. With my totally earned, 100% my fault and totally asked for 8 pound gain, my perspective is changing. I'm finding it massively hard to stay on plan, but since this is technically my "third day" again, it's understandable. I am also finding it hard to get dressed in the morning. While nothing has gotten too tight to wear and I haven't "outgrown" anything. I am having a hard time doing my hair, putting on make up and wearing anything remotely cute. I want to wear my fleece pullover and yoga pants all day every day. (It could be because its colder than a well diggers ass in January and my fleece and yoga pants are warm and cozy, it could also be because of hits lovely little sinus cold I have, that I want to stay in my jammies.) But really, I think the bloated, oogey, nasty ass feeling I have of gaining weight is what's making me want to revert to old habits. Old habits being, hair in pony tail, not cute clothes and "eh, nobody is going to see me today, so why bother with anymore makeup than foundation and chapstick."
While I did revert to a ponytail today, I did put on full makeup and I am wearing a fleece pull over, but its the fitted kind, and I did force myself to put on a pair of jeans. I drew the line with my sparkly belt and my boots, I skipped the belt and put on my comfy fur lined mules...I just didn't feel the bling this morning. I am hoping that once the day 3 blahs subside that I will find my "cuteness" again. I am hoping I will find my urge to workout again. I know I shouldn't let a little cold get in my way and that many people will say exercise will make you feel better, but, when it feels like you have a Russian prison guard named Helga, complete with her hairy mole and steel toed boots sitting on your chest and you can only partially breathe thru one nostril, if you turn your head just right and if you've blown your nose in the last six seconds, hopping on your elliptical is the last thing one would feel like doing.
I will find my cuteness tomorrow, I hope...I have plans to go out with my"inner circle" and I fully intend to look cute, at least those are my intentions as of this hour...I also intend to at least walk on the treadmill or hop on the recumbent bike tonight while Miss Jaci is at dance. We shall see if I have the follow thru to accomplish it....wish me luck stalker friends.... :)

From this day forward

when i am having a bad day I will look at the beach picture posted here and stare at my shoulder. You may think I sound like a real doucherocket here, but seriously, I am in love with how my shoulder looks in that picture. It's toned, I can see collarbones...I am tan, I look tiny nestled into Dan's shoulder.. (well there are very few people in this world who don't look tiny compared to Dan, hence the Big D thing) anywho..this will be my new inspiration picture. When I am feeling low, I will stare at my shoulder.

I have been staring at it a lot the last couple of days with my 8 pound vacation gain and this huge bloated cow like feeling I'm having. I asked for it though with my massively off plan eating and drinking. I used the excuse that I was on vacation, it was all inclusive (meaning 95% buffet) and yes there were healthier choices, but I for one have a very hard time grabbing an oatmeal or yogurt when there is a waffle/french toast/omelette station staring you in the face. I did skip the french toast and waffles and did a loaded with veggie omelette, but I had toast with it...I also have a hard time going for the salad when there is an unbelievable made to order pasta chef standing three feet from me. It makes me feel a little nervous for transition and maintenance.  I know which options to chose, but will I actually be able to chose them when push comes to shove? Will I be able to maintain my at least 3 day a week work out schedule? (With the massive amounts of crud migrating from my nose down the back of my throat and my enormous swollen glands, there is no exercising at all right now, but the week is young) Will I be able to say no thanks to the pasta and order the salad? Most likely I will order the pasta with a to go box, box up half of it and have the salad too. But as long as I do THAT and not eat the entire 3 pound serving of pasta, I'll be okay. I am again about 20 pounds from my goal...these last 20 pounds may be a bitch...but we will continue on and kick them to the curb, no matter how long it takes or how many ups and downs I have....

What a week

Wow...what a difference a week makes! Yes, I had work out clothes and I-pod packed, yes I visualized myself on the sand...HOWEVER, my heart just was not in it. I just could not handle being cooped up in the fitness room working out, when I could be in the pool lounging at the swim up bar. I could not imagine running on the beach when, the resort we were staying at technically didn't have a beach and when we visited the sister resort that DID have a beach, the drinks were flowing freely and the only thing I was running to was the bathroom. We did however walk ALOT and we did go snorkeling, so it wasn't just lay on my ass in the sun ALL the time. Just part of the time.
I had intentions, but when you have a pina colada in each hand and a cabana boy bringing you fresh drinks every 20 minutes or so...all intentions go out the window....all of the good ones anyway.
I had an AMAZING time on my vacation. I apologize for not blogging. The resort did have 30 minutes free internet daily for all, they only had a couple of computers you could access and it took me most of the trip scouring the 85 acres to figure out where they had hid them!
Back in Iowa, back to reality, back to the weather that's a real son of a bitch and back to my lifestyle change. (BTW I GAINED 8 pounds...yes, 8 pounds...considering I drank my weight in rum and then some, its not so bad.) I had some wonderful salmon, sea bass and tuna..I also had amazing pizza and pasta..yes, I said pizza and pasta.....when you drink from sun up to sun down, a salad doesn't quite soak up the booze like pizza does. Sorry...they also had the most amazing bread....phenomenal. It had been so long since I had eaten bread, it was like heaven.
We're now back to reality....I'm reliving day one all over again. Due to the 90 degree temperature swing my body experienced from Riviera Maya to Iowa, I did bring a cold and sore throat home with me, so, perhaps the "first three day" miserable feeling will be disguised by the cold. Look soon for a new beach picture of me and Dan, I have to admit I can see the difference in this one... I think my shoulders look amazing...Later stalker friends! I've missed you!

My tightass

no pun intended here, but I think my inner tightass/cheapskate is trying to sabotage my efforts, either that, or I'm just a frickin idiot, take your pick. I think part of my head is saying....lose those last 10-15 pounds, I am comfortably in size 12's. Size 10's were my original goal...that is another 10-15 pounds away..piece of cake after losing 56, right? WRONG....Now that I can shop again and feel good about it, the other half of my head is saying, "while the shopping is fun, you just spent $150 on a pair of jeans...don't you DARE get too skinny to wear them!" There was a time in my life that would have paid my rent...but damn, they are cute and they fit good...and I love the little "31" stamped on the waistband.
Friday, I did good, food wise, had a few drinks at my girls night out..vodka with diet cranberry sierra mist, so no carbs and low cals, so that was a plus. Saturday I was UBER busy. I had to take pictures at 84,000 different Christmas events in town and then be the greeter at the Chamber luncheon. So, as simple and as portable as this plan is, one would think, "No problem." WRONG!!!! This asshat left the house without a single bar, pretzel or packet of hot chocolate. NOTHING. So, all I ate all day Saturday was....a chili dog with no bun and 4 Christmas cookies....stellar on plan day there, huh? Sunday I recuperated and other than the bottle and a half of wine that I had at my nephew's birthday party, I ingested nothing that wasn't on plan... (yes, I said wine at a 2 year old's birthday party...that's just how we roll.)
I don't know...sounds like I'm making excuses, doesn't it? And maybe I am, maybe I'm just not as committed to those last 15 pounds as I was to the first 56...maybe I'm tired...maybe I've lost my mojo. I think my mind right now is saying, "Good enough, is good enough." And yeah, sometimes it is, but all of my years of thinking "good enough" got me to be the big fat mess I was. So, as long as my "good enough" includes good enough choices when it comes to eating and a continuation of my exercising efforts, maybe, just maybe, I'll be okay and I'll get that last 10-15 pounds off.
Mexico comes my way tomorrow. we depart on our adventure tonight...workout clothes and I-pod packed...I can visualize myself running in the sand...the intent is there, we shall see if I follow through.
Weigh in today was a maintain. No gain, no loss...

Reason vs. Excuse

I've been thinking a lot about these two words. Reason and excuse...I can give reasons for wanting to achieve a lifestyle change (ain't ya proud Coach K's...I didn't use the D-word) I can give reasons for NOT doing something, but aren't those excuses not reasons?
The definition of reason is: The cause that makes a phenomenon intelligible.
The definition of excuse is: To free from blame, to forgive or overlook, to release from obligation, undertaking or duty.
So, here's my way of looking at it...a REASON is intelligible, it's real. The reason my dad cannot lift more than 20 pounds is because he is a cardiac rehab patient (soon to be released, btw.)
An excuse is more of a feeling or an emotion. I didn't exercise this morning because I felt like sleeping in. It's not that I COULDN'T do it, I didn't FEEL like it. Reason is an actuality, excuse is an emotion.
This kind of relates to the blame game in my mind and this doesn't just apply to lifestyle change. There are so many things in life that we make excuses for because we don't like the "feeling" of it, but we never really get to the "reason" behind it, nor do we take ownership of that reason. It's simply much easier to make an excuse and blame someone else.
Yeah, life sucks sometimes. Things don't always go our way, you don't always have success. It's not always someone else's fault. Sure, sometimes there is blame to lay at the feet of someone else. (Kirk Ferentz, this means you for calling that lame brain time out with less than 10 seconds left and calling a 2 yard pass play when you needed 10 yards.) But, at the same time, the situation is not wholly laid at Mr. Ferentz's feet. Passes were missed, catches were dropped, blocks were shucked and tackles were missed, all of which led up to the close game and eventual loss. At some point everyone has to "man up" or "put on your big girl panties" and know that if something went wrong and you were involved in it, in some way, you had ownership of it...someway, somehow, you could have changed the outcome. Sometimes, it's just not your day, and that's okay, too. (I apologize for the sports analogy, my husband has started to wear off on me.)
You failed a test (surely it was because the teacher didn't give you the right things to study.) You lost the game/match/race (it had to be the coach's fault (was the coach the one throwing the ball/running the race/down on the mat?)) you missed a deadline at work (certainly its because your boss is an asshat.) 
You didn't lose weight this week. You lost the conversation with the cheesecake. You didn't work out. These EXCUSES are not someone else's fault. Give me the REASON for any of these actions, maybe I'll buy it. Chances are I won't because too often someone tries to mask an excuse by calling it a reason and that's just not going to fly with me anymore. (Self, this means you.)
I lost the conversation with the cheesecake last night. I ate a piece at 1:30 a.m. My EXCUSE, yes EXCUSE not reason? Dan had gone to Cliff's for Thursday night football, if I fall asleep and wake up and he is not home, I can't get back to sleep. I start worrying, I start stewing, I start brooding and then I feel like nothing will calm my nerves but food. So really, the cheesecake was Dan's fault...WRONG! Dan is a big boy who can take care of himself. Cheesecake was not going to make him magically appear at the door and all it did was give me 30 seconds of "wow this is good" followed by a massive gut ache (which I still have) and a guilt trip a mile long.
I did not get up and work out this morning, partly because said husband was not home, therefore I was awake for 3 hours in the middle of the night (again, his fault right? Bullshit, I can take a Tylenol PM just like the rest of the world) The other reason was that my work out from yesterday ended at 9 p.m. last night and frankly, I'm too fucking old to have a two-a-day work out. Excuse? Possibly, but I don't want to injure myself and PLAN to work out while my turkey meat balls are in the oven later today. (hee hee I just said balls...)
Sorry, this got a little long and rambling, but...the next time you think you are giving yourself a "reason" for not staying on plan, not eating your 5 and 1 not measuring your lean and greens not drinking your water, ask yourself if it's truly a reason or merely an excuse...I bet I know the answer already.

Recipe:
Stuffed tomatoes
Tis the season for holiday parties I am making these tasty little morsels to take to a cocktail party tonight.
Cherry tomatoes, or right now Food Pride as these little tomatoes called Romanitas, (I think) they are a little bigger than a cherry tomato 99 cents for a bag of like 12.
chicken, crab, tuna or salmon, your choice if its canned drain it and rinse it with water, if its flake, make sure there are no skin or bones
In a bowl, use a fork to "mash" up your meat of choice, you want a relatively fine piece. Mix in a T or two of light mayonnaise, basically just enough to moisten the meat. I then add a little Walden Farms Ranch to make it creamier without adding extra fat and calories You may also use FF sour cream. You want a tuna salad consistency. At this point, you can add finely diced green onion or celery or finely chopped spinach. To all I add some garlic, black pepper, and onion powder, I also add 2 packets of splenda. (My mom has always sweetened her egg, chicken, tuna salad and now I can't eat it any other way) To the salmon I add some dill weed. Take the tomatoes (washed) cut down the center about 3/4 of the way, stuff a spoonful of your salad in the center, place on your serving tray. If you have extra, you can use this to stuff celery or you can spread it on a slice of cucumber.

Hmmmm

So, I did NOT get up and do the pre 6 a.m. work out today, Dan volunteered to take Drew to weight lifting so in bed I stayed, BUT not all is lost, as I have made a date with my elliptical this evening. (Gee I hope it puts out).
Last night, I totally felt like I was cheating. I made a plain pancake muffin, cut it in half put a little peanut butter and some Walden Farms Strawberry fruit spread on it....amazing. It was SOOOOO good. You must try it soon. I got the spread at Hy-Vee in Carroll, its even on sale right now.
Today, I have felt the thrill of victory and the agony of defeat in the span of 2 hours. I put on a pair of aeropastle jeans I bought, without trying on, a month ago, I could not get them over my calves. Today, I am wearing them, plenty of room in the calf and I had to put a belt on too, and for its actual purpose, not just so it looked cute. Evidently the calves are getting smaller. Two short hours later I had my physical for my life insurance and let me just tell you, I hate, no despise, no LOATHE her scale. I have a healthmate digital scale, which I know is accurate. I have a 10 pound bag of flour that I put on it on occasion to make sure it stays "fairly" accurate. The scale this gal used was off from my scale by 20 pounds! YES 20 pounds...I about died. I'm thinking its because its the old fashioned dial kind of scale and she travels with it in her briefcase, so there is no way it can be accurate...(Right?) I'm hoping they don't decide they aren't going to insure me because what I told the dude on the phone interview was 20 pounds different than what my exam reported. I wanted so scream, BUT, BUT, I've lost 56 pounds!!!!  That was almost worse than having to fast until 10 this morning. Evidently ExamOne does not realize this girl has eaten two meals my the time 10 a.m. rolls around, so now I am playing catch up and my body will probably be out of whack for a while today. (The 10 a.m. fast was another reason I didn't work out this morning. I would have been absolutely STARVING and by starving I mean, chew my arm off hungry, by 10 had I worked out, as it was I was just a little hungry.)
Felt pretty good to go to Carroll yesterday, buy a size large pair of yoga pants and a size large sundress and know they would fit. The Buckle gave me mixed feelings. It was nice to know that I could fit stuff in there again. It was nice to not have to look for the largest size they carried. BUT, either the gals working there are much less "vulture-like" than they used to be, or I still looked like I was too fat/old/poor to shop there. We didn't even get a hello. We ended up not buying anything either....

Three whole days

I have exercise for three whole days straight. This sounds utterly and completely pathetic for someone who has been trying to change her lifestyle since June, but its the facts. I exercise, most of the time, maybe 3 days a week, so I am considering 3 days in a row and accomplishment. Two of the three days they were event pre- 6 a.m. workouts. The first 10 minutes of pre-6 a.m. work outs are a mother fucker. Its like your legs are are still sleeping even though the rest of your body is moving and your eyes are open. Okay, sometimes my eyes are not even open yet, but I am making an effort. The goal this week is to exercise all five week days. Baby steps people, baby steps.
I got my hair "did" today. It always makes me feel better. It looks good, but it's making me feel older, as I am back to my natural color and Jaci tells me it looks "gray." Yeah, well kid, I had light blonde hair until I had you people, so....it's your fault.
My family was damned near the downfall of me this week, as they decided on Sunday they needed "dessert". I had in the freezer one of the cursed band cheesecakes, which I took out of the freezer so they could have dessert. I swear to Christ the fucking thing speaks to me as I walk through the kitchen. I will admit I had one bite of Drew's on Sunday. It was DIVINE. I have had to have "outloud" conversations with myself about avoiding the cheesecake. I have to speak the words, "YOU WILL NOT TOUCH THE CHEESECAKE" outloud to myself several times in order to avoid eating it. So far it has worked. If the family does not finish off the cheesecake today, I will throw it away. Or perhaps I will put it back in the freezer for future use.....but I WILL NOT TOUCH THE CHEESECAKE!!!

Food tip:
OMFG this is the best, its my new favorite treat. Since we can now have some peanut butter, (It's almost like the TSFL head honchos knew I was about to go homicidal without peanut butter.) I mix a spoonful of all natural chunky peanut butter into my brownie batter before I bake it....delicioso!!! Try it!