This has been my weekend, thankfully, the ass maggots and funky liver are not mine, just periphery issues that have been floating through my life. Let's see, where have I been and what have I been up to since we last chit-chatted???? Ah-yes....
First 18 holes of golf for the year=epic failure. Well, okay, maybe not epic, but I sure remember being much better at it 16 years ago. I am pretty decent with a 4-wood and a 5-iron. I can usually pitch like a mo-fo, but beyond that I suck...hard. Three margaritas and a 6-pack did not improve my game. It did improve my mood and the fun level, though! (And I did feel as though I was about to be attacked my a peacock every time I turned around, that could have had some bearing on my horrible driving.)
Thursday=hangover and a whole lotta nothing.
Friday= MIL taken to Mercy for funky liver happenings. (For some reason every time I type the word funky I start singing Funky-Col-Medina in my head) Spent the day with the nieces and nephew, Big D and I were like drill sergeants at day camp. It went well, they nearly ate me out of house and home. I put a pork roast and some cheesy potatoes in my two crock pots for them to eat for supper, as I was moonlighting that night and there was not a bite left. I honestly think they licked the potato pot.
Saturday-We camped out in tents....we had a double wide. Yes, our tent had two rooms. We narrowly avoided marriage counseling setting the tent up and it only took us three beers each. One bottle of crown royal (Big D) a six pack of Jeremiah Weed (me) and a few Vegas bombs later, sleeping on the ground wasn't so bad! However, at 4:30 a.m. when the first little drops of rain began to fall, we realized that our "double-wide" while having two rooms, had no roof. It was all screen. (The extra piece of canvasy crap and the extra ties that we both asked, "What the fuck are these for?" began to make sense.) In our booze soaked haze we just pulled the blankets over our heads and went back to sleep. At some point the blanket came off of my face. (Probably because I can't sleep with anything on my face as I have some mild claustrophobia issues) The rain continued to fall intermittently and when I woke up for good and went in the house, my mascara had run like little black rivers all down my face making me look a little like Gene Simmons after a Kiss concert. Yes kids, there is a reason we don't "tent"...we have 32 foot travel trailer that has a roof..... Oh and there is no need for a mechanical engineering degree when putting our camper away. We do not need to strategically fold it into an Origami like shape in order to shove it into a bag that is six sizes smaller than the tent. We just back the fucker into the machine shed and push the button on the automatic jack. (Seriously, is there anyone on this planet that can get a tent back into its bag correctly? If you exist I will hire you to do it for me.)
Now what else? Ah yes, ass maggots. My darling sister-in law's precious pooch Jackson is... how do I put this gently? Morbidly obese in human terms. He's a corgi. I have a corgi as well. Miley, (my corgi) on a good day, after having just devoured the carcass of a deer, MIGHT weigh 20 pounds. I mean she stands a whole 3 inches off the ground. I am not lying when I say Jackson probably weighs 80 pounds. Yes, we've tried diet and exercise programs, and now that he lives on the farm, he's a bit more active, but he's been on puppy Prozac for his nerve issues and he's just. well.....Jackson. Turns out even though we THINK he's been a little more active..He's been too lazy to actually get up and crap, therefore, ass maggots were discovered in his massive dingleberry. While you all are gagging at this story, I am laughing my ass off because I am picturing my, 'almost went to vet school-animals dying is a way of life- yes dear that is a pile of shit, try not to step in it with your high heels-what do you mean your dog is on Prozac?-' younger brother trying to solve this problem for his wife. To wrap the story up..maggots are gone but my "nephew dog" has a shaved ass....it made me laugh this morning. (I'm picturing the little tub-o-lard running around the farm with a shaved ass..I can't help but picture one of those red ass monkeys)
MIL is home from the hospital doing fine, but still no real answer as to what her diagnosis is...they "think" it was a medication reaction...but test results are still to come, I guess. She's weak and tired, but her vitals are all strong and we're not asking her to run a marathon, so she can just rest and recoup.
My parents celebrate their 45th wedding anniversary this week. I wanted to put their picture in the paper and have a little card shower. Mom refused. She said, 'It's just 45 years, its not a big deal.' Ummm when the average length of a marriage in the U.S. is what 5 years? I would say 45 is kind of a big deal. We are celebrating with an all grown-ups meal out, starting with cocktails on my brothers new deck. (At least that's what our social coordinator (who also happens to be the dog ass shaver) is telling us.) I added the cocktails on his new deck part, since he's hiring my child to watch the youngin's....I think he wants to have a peaceful dinner that does not include wrestling his 2-year old and eating 'Hot balls" at "The hot ball barn"... (My nephew Clay calls cheese balls hot balls and calls Darrells Place the hot ball barn.) We are going to the Rusty Duck for our meal. It is home to the best burger in the state of Iowa. I have had this burger. It will take everything I have to resist ordering it. I wonder if getting drunk before dinner would be less calorically damaging?
Now--food and diet wise...bleh....lots of booze, I did eat the purple cauliflower. it was good, although I am suspicious that the purple is just dye, as it makes the water purple when you cook it. I tried the pre-cooked tyson chicken fajitas...ewww...too many pieces of "funky fatish gristle" shit. I literally threw up in my mouth and threw it out to the dogs. I cannot handle any part of chicken thats not the 100% middle of the breast, nice, pulls apart almost stringy breast piece. Just can't do it Captain. So I ended up having a spoon full of peanut butter and a piece of string cheese as my protein last night.
Today and tomorrow I am on a "liquid" detox. Shakes and tomato soup only. They are the lower calorie options and I need to flush the bad shit out. (Kind of like that scene in Dumb and Dumber where Jim Carey thinks he's doing the Heimlich maneuver by pushing the guys legs up and down saying "Out with the bad, in with the good...")
The good news right now is that salads no longer have that "oh God not another fucking salad" effect on my anymore, like they did for a time and even when I'm not perfect, I am doing much better at getting my vegetables in. Yes, for a while I was on anti-vegetable mode.
Weigh in this week was up 2 pounds, deservedly so...I am not perfect, never have claimed to be, but I keep trying and that my friends is all I can do! Peace out!
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